Wednesday, November 30, 2005


so this is how hope dies,
someone mistakes it for love,
gets angry,
stamps it,
and kills it.
this is how love dies i guess,
someone sees it as a curb,
takes a knife,
and wounds it,
love bleeds to death,
and now with no hope
and no love,
someone is very upset.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

afternoon classes

I sit behind you
and watch
that part of your neck,
you like me to bite.
that part of you,
that i perhaps can claim,
but which doesn't belong to me,
so i suffer,
and you suffer.
for we are the same.
a cause for celebration,
a cause for seperation.
so we sit this way,
far apart.
though you are now thinking of my teeth
as i am of your neck

unisex zone

finished! finished!
mahashweta's assignment over!
am so glad!
so what if it was pure crap!
it's over!!!!(ug dancing)
its over its over itsoveritsover(still dancing)
itsover.ooooooooops !!!ouch!!!(ug falls down dancing)
(gets up) its over its over!!!!!!!

Monday, November 28, 2005

Will I be asking for a lot?

When on the mountains,
He sees grey clouds,
Coming closer
And drifting away.
When the view below
Is dark green in colour.
When the silver mist
Engulfs him.
When it starts to rain,
And the water drops
Touch him,
Try to make love to him,
Will I be asking for a lot?
If I ask him to remember me?

Safe Sex

A Tamil Nadu court issued a non-bailable warrant against noted actress Khushboo for her non-appearance in connection with legal proceedings over her remarks on pre-marital sex. A few weeks ago, film actress Khushboo said, in the context of a survey conducted by a magazine on sex and the single woman, that an educated man these days should not expect his bride to be a virgin.
Pre-marital sex is a reality and nobody can deny its existence in our society. Khushboo, to increase AIDS awareness, said that pre-marital sex being common, safe sex becomes very important. After mentioning that pre-marital sex is getting common, hit the public sentimentsAccording to one study, the world over boys and girls lose 'it' before they turn 18. The Indian average approaches 20. That is not so bad considering that the average Indian has sex only 75 times a year as against the world average of 103, according to the same survey.
In any case, both DPI and PMK were quick to perceive offence, and held several, often incendiary, protests against Khushboo. Their educated view was that Khushboo's words set ablaze the modesty of Tamil womanhood. Despite the actress apologizing for the remark, the women's wing of PMK in Chennai and five women advocates in Tiruchirappalli filed separate cases against her. A few days ago, Khushboo was granted bail in the more drastic of the cases. Khushboo must be relieved. But the people she had in a moment of dare spoken up for, women who did not set much store by their virginity and thought not twice about losing it before they tied the knot, must worry. For the new Indian woman, life before marriage is not as straight or easy to explain as it was for her mother or grandmother.

Friday, November 25, 2005


Ok so you like pretty. Ok so you like fair.
It���s a personal thing, but so not fair.
���Oh god you���re looking so dark���
Wanna tell them, I don���t give a fuck.

���Eat what you like, wear what others like���
Wonder what frigging assholic shit came up with that.
���Don���t cut your hair��� the women at the parlour says,
���Your long hair is so pretty���

She doesn���t get that am ok with ugly.
Am ok. Am ok am so ok.
I can face the mirror fine.
My pretty ugly face.
Pretty ugly!

Ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly
All the men chant.
No no hear that!
They accuse.
All men,
Especially the pretty ones.

Ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly
All the women chant.
No no hear that!
They do.
Now you are the ugliest in the group!
Yes! YES!


Quotes of G.B Shaw

Any man who is not a communist at the age of twenty is a fool. Any man who is still a communist at the age of thirty is an even bigger fool."

"I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it."

"Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it."
"Peace is not only better than war, but infinitely more arduous."

"I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation."

Thursday, November 24, 2005


Bare the soul And bare the breast;
Farewell to the flesh.
Incense on my lashes
The scent of sex and rapture
Confessions glide through the salted air
With only lust to capture.
Release the blood
And release the breath.
Farewell to the flesh.
Altars on the asphalt
To the glory of god above.
Through heavy sweat they stalk the streets:
Paper tiger, paper dove.

a poem i had found on a FtM website. michael's i guess
The girl with no shadow
Comes to haunt my dreams
The girl with no voice
Sings in my ear a song,
And a little girl is lost
The little girl is me
I wander from bed to bed
Searching for my sleep,
But my dreams are now haunted,

And a soundless tune stuck in my head

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Modern Indian Art

Some paintings of Christ by Jamini Roy.thought was very interestin.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Break Up

It���s been a year since,
I���ve last been in your bed.
And perhaps now you
Sleep alone.
Or perhaps now you don���t.
And may be you sometimes think of me
Before you go to sleep,
Or maybe you wake up,
Just having dreamt of me.
Or may be you have forgotten me.
May be you love me still
May be you don���t
May be you never did.
But I know and so do you,
For the last few weeks,
Your blanket had smelt of me.

Sandra Bullock

Well! SPEED, got me thinking. I adore this woman.

Still more of HARRY POTTER


Monday, November 21, 2005


In the beginning, Barty Crouch was in the room with Voldemort. That didn't happen in the book at all but I guess this was used to make it easier, and remove a lot of explanation about imperious curses and all. Also no Winky, so Barty was a free man, thus free to go and come as he desired.Dobby and Winky (along with the whole SPEW subplot) were complete cut from the movie. So what will they do bout it in the next book? With dobby and Winky and the room of requirement thing happens. Oh! They are going to kill Winky completely I guess. Even then, things would have been funny with spew!

I like the old one much better. Dumbledore is supposed to be cool, and not so hot and bothered and impressive. I mean he is supposed to impress without trying. I mean Dumbledore can get a room quiet by just raising his hand and does not have to scream.

The Hungarian horntail remains chained, and that whole chase thing doesn���t happen.
They cut out the Blast Ended Skrewts! I
t was never revealed that Rita Skeeter is an Animagus. How are they going to incorporate the story she writes about Harry in The Quibbler in Order of the Phoenix?
Viktor Krum is supposed to be ugly.
Beaxbatons and Durmstrang are not single-sex schools.
They cut out all visits to Hogsmede, they cut out Sirius except for fire place scene.The Trio visited him several times in his cave in Hogsmeade (in the book) how are they going to show his importance to harry in the next movie?

but most importantly, when harry discovers crouch's body, he rushes to dumbledore and then enters pensieve, and doesn't bother telling anyone anything and nobody asks him anything either?
how come?


Sunday, November 20, 2005

In The Goblet

November 18th. I had a fever last night. Took two calpols, one disprin and one glycolmet and went to sleep. Woke up and felt much better. Was scared every time I coughed after the previous day���s puking incident. Anyway, got ready to go for the 9 ���o��� clock class. Mom did not allow a bath. And I was feeling too unwell to anyway. So took the bus after waiting at the bus stop for 20 mins. Reached class room at 9:44. Yes. I was 44 mins late. Class was over by 10:30 or so. Went straight to serene guy���s room, along with solan. Serene Guy was not too serene, let me tell you. He was hopping around and we were all happy! Why? We were going to see ���Harry potter and the goblet of fire��� first day first show. SO. Big bad booty daddy, serindipidous and uglygirl, set off to Skyline, in order to book the tickets. The other 4 were to join us later. Some had classes. So we reach by like 11:45, get the tickets and then start walking on the road. We have 1 hour 45 minutes to kill. We decide to lunch at a place called shanbagh. It looked like the restaurant Rowling wrote Harry potter in. serindipidous said no. but trust me, I saw this program on BBC, where Rowling shows off her old neighbourhood, and she used to write at this place which used to be an Italian place(or now is one, or maybe Chinese) and this Shanbagh looked exactly like it. We had south Indian food. I had idli, cause anything spicy would like hurt my throat. We still had time, so we roamed about. And by 1:15, our friends had arrived and we went in, and were loitering in the lobby, and suddenly heard some harry potteresque music, and rushed, and the movie had started. So we like followed one another blidly, and believe me the first scene has almost no light, so the hall was really dark. And we sat down, and Serendipidous, solan and I began clapping and screaming and bugged the hell out of big bad booty daddy. Sorry B. but we were so excited! And oh! They were so good looking and the first scene itself had such a twist that we, who had memorized the bokks were like ���what!, oh! O that���s cause��� and BBBD was like ���ugh! Ugh!��� shut uppppp! We tried to be, but we couldn���t. can you be quiet while on a roller coaster ride?


Friday, November 18, 2005


And i watched from the peephole to paradise,
as they bathed in dark pools,
black water running down
their black back,
pulled me from hell to a place more convoluted,
and i welcomed it,
for lust has its own charm.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005


She lies on my eyelids,
like once only sleep did.
And now she is inside of me,
like once only I could be.
If you came by, you wouldn���t know the difference.
She doesn���t speak to strangers.
All you would see is me sitting alone.
While I clutched her in my palms,
And in my shut eyes,
And I my mouth,
And in all those parts of me,
Where she now lives

you have looked at the eye of God

This photo is a very rare one, taken by NASA.This kind of event occurs once in 3000 years. eye of god or not,it is very pretty. not pretty.....but something superlative. am bad with superlatives.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

when he didn't call

For about a 100 nights
Dreams weren���t in sight
Nothing felt quite right
For about a 100 nights.

And all that mattered
Lay half shattered
My mind to battered,
to care.

Because about a 100 nights ago,
When the moon was just as low
First time I got to know,
What it is to love.

Now a 100 nights have passed,
Since I���ve had to ask
If what we were doing,
was right.

And in that low moon light,
As he trembled and shook so slight,
He took me.

And now a 100 nights later,
I don���t feel any better,
And nothing else matter.

I want him to show
What he did a 100 nights ago.
I want him to know,
What I dint say a 100 nights ago.

Monday, November 14, 2005

me as a young bride!

at 5 mths i think.
I was done for the day. I swear. I had gone to bed. I swear. My only folly, I messaged him. He had not been replying to my messages for the third day in a row, and I wondered why. I goaded him and asked for a fight. I mean I actually said, ���Let���s fight Vemu���. I thought that���s what he wanted. Earlier e had never so blatantly avoided me. The last tie I saw him, he was asking me (ok fine! Pleading) to sit on his new bike and was like, ���I will drop you home���, and I was like ���no, thanks���. I just cant ok, his shoulders, his smell��色��..ugh! I don���t want to feel anything for him, but���
He replied today. An sms. He doesn���t want to fight. He is going to get married. ���Committed��� was the word he used. He is going to be committed to someone else, that is. Commit commitcommitcommpohuiw. How I hate that word. So I was like, um how does that matter? Since his commitment is not to me, we could still fight, or something like that. But by then I was babbling. He did not reply. So I sms ed him. Hopefully my last sms to him. It read, ���Right. This is goodbye then���. Is that not truly heartbreaking? This is goodbye then. Some will think it is too stage-ish, but I am like that. He will like it but, he is a Leo too, he likes such stuff. Oh! And his Chinese birth thing is horse. I am a dog. I am faithful and loving and stupid and silly and committed. And how I hate that word. And I wish I had never met him. God! Give me the strength to unlove him. He is so mean. If I was pissing him off he could have said anything, anything, like how he is sleepy. Or of course just not replied. No but he had to hurt me. He had to tell that he was going to be committed (as if to an asylum). As if it would hurt me.
My heart did not break, it just trembled big time. I could not cry. I had no tears. No tears. I had cried so much 2 years ago. For him, for the same man, always for this man.
Anyway, This is goodbye then.

to you medusa

home truths

What my mom thinks: I like men too much.
What she secretly thinks: I like women too!
What friends think: I like both men and women.
What they don���t know: I like gay men the best.

What is bugging me about blogging: the word verification is getting longer and longer.


I watched parineeta at last today, that to I missed the first 30 mins, but it was ok. Parineeta, means a grown woman, or simply a woman, as opposed to a girl, I guess. It was written by sharat Chandra Chatterji. I read the book when I was bout 13, and fell in love with his stories. Well they are making a comeback I guess, DEVDAS, and now this. WELL! The film was nice and I loved the songs, especially the one in which they make love (I usually say have sex, but they just showed a few body parts and looked like they were making love). And I am like when will I? I actually even shed some tears (that could be cos dad refused to order food from outside, twice in two days)
But I am like obsessed with love and sex. Help!
Is there no one?
Do no body find moi a lil bit attractive?

Sunday, November 13, 2005

on the phone

He says he wants me,
And in the misty dawn,
A new bud enfolds to life.
The raging waves can kiss the shore again,
The time that had stood still
On my window sill, can tick again.
And all I do is smile.

Prandial Plaint

My love, I love your breasts, I love your nose.
I love your accent and I love your toes.
I am your slave. One word, and I obey.
But please don't slurp your morning brew that way.

Vikram Seth

thats hyd-on-the-rocks

Saturday, November 12, 2005

flying colours

just a night

We sat under the tree.
He was quiet,
I tried to be.
My mind reeling with images of last night,
It was difficult.

He turns to me lazily,
As if he hadn���t intended to.
I waited,
�����存ay something������.
I prodded him silently,
Looking straight at him.

He failed to meet my eyes,
Instead he looks at my badly cut hair,
Disheveled in the heat and breeze,
And at my lips,
And then lazily turns away,
As if his mind is made up.


When I was about 13/14, I realised that lust is not a bad word. Ours is a country wherein sex is only to produce babies, and marriage is love and sex only after marriage. So it was natural that I would think of the term ���lust��� as a dirty word, if I thought of it at all. But around that age I was feeling these things and was realizing that I was constantly fantasizing quite explicitly about the guy I loved, and one thing led to another and I figured that ���love at first sight; or ���crush��� can also be called lust or hormones. And that the term Love is actually this feeling of compatibility, friendship, comfort and this thing that will keep you caring about this other person, and wanting her/him sexually even after 15-20 years. I am 23, and I have never loved. I have never reached such heights and have never lasted that long with anyone. My best best friend, with whom I went around for like 3 years (of course we were very young) or more felt compatibility, friendship, comfort, but never had this thing called sex between us. Of course chemistry is not only a one off thing and sex begets sex. This friend and I never did anything sexual and thus never did anything sexual. If by chance(now by mistake) we had taken advantage of an empty house, we might have felt more than what we do for each other, but of course on the other hand we might have thought less of each other. Sex is so crazy that it muddles our brains and stops us from thinking.
And this other guy I went around with at 19, the very first moment I saw him I felt giddy and then never recovered. Some say I still pine for him (I���ll stop tomorrow), but it is not so much for his compatibility, friendship, comfort but for his touch. I know we can never be friends and I don���t want him as a friend, I just want him.And at this level that is love for me. Chemistry, lust, hormones, desire, the physical, body, these are synonyms for love. I do know better but I have not experienced it, and thus will continue saying ���love is lust���.

Friday, November 11, 2005

To all those who are awake tonight

There are times,
Alone in me
I see so much.

My own shadow and I meet,
And I am loving,
And I am hurting
But only within me.

My silence talks back to me,
And promises are made,
And spring blossoming,
And I am a woman again.

Till I open my eyes,
And see that I am still stuck in the gray.

something i wrote in 2001

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Eden Garden, Calcutta.

Last time i'd stopped by

I left a throaty whisper on your pillow,
I left an unwept tear on your blanket,
I left a hesitant smile at your doorway,
And your life lived itself on.

I left the last look at the window,
I left a smudged kiss at the gate,
I left unfulfilled womanhood at your doorsteps,
And your day died unbothered.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Another hyderabad

ok ok the last one!
but is it not just wonderful?

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Bazaars of Hyderabad

This pic is called beanseller of hyderabad.
Look and tell me how many colours are present in this pic.

My hyderabad.

chocolate in the afternoon

Chocolate, chocolate
Her lips smeared with chocolate,
Chocolate, chocolate
Her teeth stained with chocolate
Chocolate, chocolate
Her tongue slathered with chocolate.


My spirits rise with lust,
Lust, lust,
My dirty lust,
Lust, lust,
My hands guided by lust,
Lust, lust,
My teeth sharpened by lust,


Me defile your chocolate mouth.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Once there was a guy

Once there was a guy, whom I first saw through a half-opened window. The window opened into a corridor. And he was walking the length of the corridor. Over the next year or so I saw him in various states of dress(and undress) but can tell exactly what he wore on that day (this maroon bulky sweater, faded black jeans and an attitude that said ���yeah well this is my corridor but you can walk on it all you want, I don���t care���.)
And...And well I looked outside this window, saw him, and was completely in love. It took just 3 seconds and he passed by. But within that time we had already made eye-contact, and he knew that I was in love with him. He did not reciprocate that love right there and it was eventually established that he was incapable of reciprocating my love,For ��在ecause��安ell! I don���t know why he couldn���t love me back, though all the time realizing that nobody would love him more, ever, than I did. We lasted 6 months. The 6 months ended exactly 2 years and 7 months ago. Now,I am trying to unlove him. And he is trying to be my friend.

Oh Calcutta!

beat you to it P.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Alone in my city

I have this friend (the one with the good Google earth), he has this thing with solitude. He sometimes takes on a new city (or old) on his own. He often dines alone. Well he quite romanticises solitude. With him, from him, being alone sounds good and interesting. I tried this once, being alone. It is kind of difficult being alone cos I never have been alone. Uh! Never been single. And these last two years have been quite a learning experience. In being vulnerable and in being a little dispensable. And in learning to deal with it. I had always taken friendship for granted, as I have the most wonderful friends and they stand by me and seem to like me in spite of the fact that I can���t seem to keep secrets, am obsessed with honesty, and seem to be so self-involved. So all these years I showered my friends with affection, and got unconditional love in return. And now, my friends have all left the city and in the process of making new friends I realised 1) being completely unobtrusive while making acquaintance and firm or otherwise myself, still works. They get so used to you that even if you are being something they don���t like they can���t seem to leave you. 2) Show your true colours, so if they don���t like you, they can leave.

So anyway, I took the bus the other day, and got off at least 翻 kilometer from Walden. It was 6:30 or so in the evening and the evening traffic was making its way back home at a snail���s pace (ok so not that slow) and I was walking on the footpath in front of the chief minister���s residence ( cant call it house can I?) amidst a hoard of policemen on their walky-talkies. They looked at me as I passed and it was not in a lecherous sort of way, just curiosity and to a passive wish to see me through the crowd safely. I smiled to myself and continued to talk to myself (or sometimes to Oprah Winfery in my head) and these policemen smiled at me (not to me really), perhaps I was gesticulating wildly, and nodding to myself. And by the time I reached Walden (local book store) I was filled with this oneness with the city and for once I felt that I was just this pedestrian walking the footpath, or a customer at the book shop. I felt sexless and well, even invisible in a good way. And fell in love with Hyderabad once again.
thank you P

Saturday, November 05, 2005

kalighat painting

see what i found!


Girl Type 1She generally wears traditional clothes. She wears gold earrings, multiple gold earrings, a gold chain with a pendant featuring god. She will have long hair, which mom won���t let her cut. Mom won���t let remove body hair either except on the eye-brows. She will have this torrid affair, emotional, passionate but eventually futile, and get married without fuss to the guy her parents choose, who is either a doctor or an engineer and is settled in the U.S. She may have dry feet and cracked heels.

Girl Type 2Lies usually between the ages 16/17-20/21. They are found usually in pubs or clubs, especially in the afternoons, though they don���t really smoke or drink much. These girls are mostly skinny and wear the latest in fashion, backless when required, midriff revealing, when���..will have multiple piercing on the ear, and may be nose too. Young pimply youth on gaudy, noisy bikes are usually waiting outside malls, their Mecca, for these chics. Type 2 likes these boys and vice-versa

disclaimer: gross generalisation is taking place and is well realised by the writer, but she posted this anyway.

Friday, November 04, 2005


Am sorry but this picture is like quintessntial kajol. I worship that woman.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

long dusty corridors

On the windowsill of my memories,
The print of your fingers will remain.
And your touch, once wholly mine,
Will haunt me on cold lonely nights.

And now dark long dusty corridors
Of my memories,
Will have you seated on a wicker chair.
And its night still and I am touching your feet.
My fingers not daring to go further.

And it was cold then, and you pulled away

(this girl had once broken my heart, and i had pined for days and had written this poemlet. the corridor and the chair still remain but i dare not look that way for fear it will hurt my heart)

All During Diwali

I was talking to this girl, about six years younger than me. And she and I were both eyeing this other girl, about her age. And I asked my friend if she likes women and so easily she replied with a yes. My young friend just wants to experiment and it is nice that young people in India and Hyderabad nonetheless are able to put things this way without fearing judgment. Of course! It was only me and people are always coming out to me cos I seem to have no apparent morals. And about my sexuality, I have this ���ask, will tell��� policy and am constantly coming out, and what good does that do? As a liked, if not popular figure in some circles, it is good to be out thus in a way encouraging younger persons to talk to me about their feelings and abolishing shame attached to homosexuality. And showing that good friends will be so no matter what!

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Mad Girl's Love Song

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

By Sylvia Plath

A gift from mizfit.

being gay in india

Pretty boys, witty boys, You may sneer
At our disintegration.
Haughty boys, naughty boys,
Dear, dear, dear!
Swooning with affectation...
And as we are the reason
For the "Nineties" being gay,
We all wear a green carnation.

The gay rights in India are yet to be defined socially and officially, but in recent years there has been a rising demand in India seeking acceptance, tolerance and equality for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people, and related causes. Homosexual relations are technically still a crime in India under an old British era statute dating from 1860 called Section 377 of the Indian Penal Code which criminalises 'carnal intercourse against the order of nature.' Since this is deliberately vague in the past it has been used against oral sex (heterosexual and homosexual), sodomy, bestiality, etc. The punishment ranges from ten years to lifelong prison.
Recent government and police spokespersons have said that there is a movement to read out consensual homosexual intercourse from coming under the purview of this act. A police spokesperson has said that this section is now only applied in cases involving rape, paedophilia and bestiality. Further, if applied for homosexual intercourse in theory it can not be applied against the passive, penetrated partner but only against the active, penetrating partner. However, the government has not made any official statements in this regard and continues to insist that homosexuality is illegal in India and against 'Indian culture', even if in practice it does not prosecute these cases. In spite of the recent changes in public opinion the law continues to be on the books. It is used as a way to threaten and blackmail homosexuals. It has been used in the past to harass people involved in condom distribution amongst homosexuals. It is also used by the police when registering complaints lodged by the parents of the parties involved. For instance, a lesbian couple that ran away together in Uttar Pradesh, India were arrested and handed back to their parents, in spite of both parties being of legal age by applying this section as the legal basis for their arrest.
There is a vibrant, if largely underground gay nightlife in cities such as Mumbai, Delhi, and Bangalore, including discos and nightclubs. The police used to harass homosexuals in the past but things have changed dramatically in the last six years. The situation in smaller cities like Hyderabad is more complicated, while there are no gay discos or parties, there are however cruising areas in all major cities.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Coming Soon!

Yippee! we are into november and will soon be watching 'Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire'. Yippee.