Monday, October 31, 2005

Poor India: of festivals and monsoons

Three powerful blasts, timed to strike within minutes of each other, killed at least 55 and injured over 155 people triggering off a wave of fear and panic across a festive city out on Saturday evening, shopping for Diwali and Id next week. Casualty figures are expected to rise but this is already the biggest single-day terrorist strike in the Capital. Two hours after the police had defused a bomb at Khari Baoli, came the first explosion. At around 5.40 pm, it ripped through the busy Paharganj market near the New Delhi railway station. The market, frequented by backpack foreign tourists, was thronged with Diwali and Id shoppers. Eleven were feared killed here. Police said they suspect the bomb was planted in a rickshaw. The rickshaw-driver, who was killed, was identified late on Saturday as Sadanand Paswan, 35, of Bihar.
Vinod Gupta, who runs a textile shop at Paharganj, said a woman and her two-year-old child were thrown up in the air as they stepped out of his shop. ``My father and brother who were outside the shop were seriously injured,'' he said. Eyewitnesses said when the thick smoke that engulfed the area cleared; they saw body parts on the streets. The maximum deaths occurred with the next explosion in the overcrowded Sarojini Nagar market in South Delhi where a bomb placed in a bag in a chat and juice shop went off at around 5.45 pm killing more than 39 people. Seven minutes later, another explosion rocked Govindpuri injuring 9 persons including the driver and conductor of a Delhi Transport Corporation bus on the Outer Ring Road route. The bus was packed when the blast happened.
The bus tragedy could have been much worse had it not been for the alertness of the conductor and the driver who noticed an "unclaimed bag" lying on a seat. Union Home Minister Shivraj Patil said it was too early to say who was behind the blasts

At least 50 people were feared killed when eight coaches of a passenger train derailed early Saturday near Bibinagar in Nalgonda district, about 80 km east of Hyderabad.
Three of the derailed coaches of Repalle-Secunderabad Delta Express fell into three feet deep water overflowing from a nearby reservoir, while other coaches were dragged to a distance of about 100 metres after the derailment at 4.20 a.m.
Eyewitnesses said bodies of 10 passengers including three children were taken out from one of the derailed coaches and there could be more people trapped in.
Manohar, a passenger in one of the derailed compartments of the train, said the casualties could be anywhere between 50 and 100. However, officials of South Central Railway (SCR) had so far not given any figures of dead or injured. Local police and civilian officials, who rushed to the accident site, suspected floodwaters from a nearby reservoir had either washed away a part of the track or weakened the ground underneath resulting in the derailment.
The reservoir had breached due to incessant rains since Friday. The general manager of SCR said the authorities had sought help from the army and navy in rescue and relief operations.

excerpt from a poem

If I Were Her Lover


If I were her lover,
I'd wade through the clover
Over the fields before
The gate that leads to her door;
Over the meadows,
To wait, 'mid the shadows,
The shadows that circle her door,
For the heart of my heart and more.
And there in the clover
Close by her,
Over and over
I'd sigh her:
"Your eyes are as brown
As the Night's, looking down
On waters that sleep
With the moon in their deep" . . .
If I were her lover to sigh her. ........
Madison Julius Cawein

last night

I was trying to search CIEFL and my house through Google World, and for me, the closer I got the more blurred everything got. My friend who was on the phone with me could see CIEFL really clearly and was like if he goes to the terrace, one would probably be able to see him too. Ugh! My sis probably did not download the software properly on our comp. anyway, I was thinking last night, how easy it is for me to get high on people. Forever, I���ve like stayed awake and spoken on the phone for like hours, like the whole night and ended up doing the silliest things, cos I feel so close to that person and the lack of sleep gets to me, and I get really light-headed, and say things like ���I love you���, irrespective of the sex. My previous relationship was actually the outcome of one such all-night conversation. The relationship before that too happened cos I was on the phone and was feeling restless and crazy and really affectionate for the person I was talking to.
Last night I was online with this classmate of mine and we chatted for like 6 hours (or so) at a stretch and by the 4th hour I was like ���I love you��� as usual. I kept pointing out how we were flirting, and it was so interesting to me, cos we were flirting, and during the day, she and I would never speak that way, but the guise of night was making me(and her) engage in this weird (superficial? ) talk. We did not theorize or over-analyze but just were um... almost juvenile. And it was really nice. The heady feeling of getting to know somebody (however much) during the night when most others are asleep is quite um��� intoxicating.
The other thing was that I think we spoke for as long as we did cos 1) we were practically new people to each other 2) halfway through we (or at least me) realised that (however subconsciously) we both were capable of being attracted to women 3) that after all we were 2 girls (Not that 2 boys don���t) and we gossiped and bitched about people and I actually felt good about that session (I got some things off my chest���.aaaaaah!)

Saturday, October 29, 2005

That's you and I. Right?

This is where i have to be everyday

These are some pictures of my university. found a pic of Nehru shaking hands with CIEFL officials, but why put that up eh! Tell me how it looks? CIEFL that is.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Musings of an Obsessed mind

Kajol again! sorry guys, but i am obsessed about her. She is making a come back ( cos she had a daughter and took a break from films). Ain't her skin just the colour of sunlight on a jar of honey? her eyes are like a clear bottle of molten gold, her hair like its about to rain any minute now, and her spirit like that of a young tree getting wet in the rain, and its leaves dancing with delight.

Forgive me. Am Obsessed.

East Meets West

Who said the twain shall never meet?

Am I A Lesbian?

I had a 2 ���o��� clock class today, and had a bath and dressed and rushed to class, only to find that she was not going to take class for more than 30 mins, so 3 of us sat on the water tank, and talked till about 6 ( yes! 2:30-6, the freedom of student hood). Roshni suddenly said something like there is nothing like bisexuality, either one is lying to oneself, or is lying to others (in not so few words of course). I was startled cos at once I took that as a personal jibe. And my ears went red. But before I could say anything, Charmian got in and said some things, which kind of cooled Roshni, and I kept stuttering and trying to say that how could someone who is gay or straight say if bisexuality exists or not, and how it feels like? Of course, neither I nor Roshni is sure she is straight, she calls herself homophilliac. I was so embarrassed throughout, cos it���s like one has to fight for their right to sexual preference.
Later she told me that she was referring to these other girls on campus, who think it is cool to call oneself Bi. I guess I was kind of upset. Then she started to say things which made me feel that she wants me to realise that I am gay, and stop calling myself Bi.
And I realised for the umpteenth time that I am so screwed up sexually, that I don���t think of it at all. If I were not screwed up, why would I be a 23 year old virgin?

Thursday, October 27, 2005

I dont know why i am posting this, but here are 3 pictures of brides. 2 indian brides, one the western christian bride.The indian bride holding the flowers is i guess malayali christian. If i get married, i will look different of course.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

To be Human

I am taking 20th century literary theory, this semester. There is this professor called A.V.Ashok, who takes this class. It is at 9 in the morning and I have to wake up at 6:30 to take the 8:34 train. Even then I am usually 7-15 minutes late for class. Today I missed the train and had to take the bus, and thus was 20 minutes late. This beginning seems not good enough for what I am about to say, next. It���s like this; all your student life you are learning your math, physics, chemistry, economics, Hindi etc, and you wonder why? How is any of this going to make me a better human being? And then you decide, or perhaps your brain decides for you, and you take up literature and finish you bachelors���.blah blah, all was fine, so you are now pursuing you masters��在lah blah��� and then one day you are late to class and Ashok is already in class and has started teaching already. You sit down on this dusty chair, right at the end of the room, and then as you are feverishly taking down whatever he says, and you suddenly realise why you are doing this. This which many others make fun of. ���Why baba? What will you do with an M.A in literature? You could have done your M.B.A naa?���
Ashok started talking about somebody called Wilhelm Dilthey (1833-1911), who had propounded the triad of Principles.
1) Lived Experiences ��� erlebnis
2) Expression- ausdruk
3) Understanding- verstehem
(The words are German.)
According to Dilthey, A literary text is an expression of experiences or ���Erlebnisaustruk���, which means that through the literary text the author, externalizes the interior.
If this makes no sense then wait a sec. he said that there were 2 sciences;
Meaning natural science
Erklaren- explanation.
In this science, our
Faculty engages with objects
Which only have a surface.

human science
Our faculty recognizes that
the subject has depth.

Ok, if all this doesn���t make sense, look at it this way. We explain nature, and understand life. Many a times, some person or the other might have asked us to ���please understand me���, and we were unable to. Because in a way we were only scratching the surface of that person, and were then treating that person like an object, we were looking for an explanation, an excuse for that person���s action, but we could not understand him.
The human world has depth, but we are denying him his humanity, if we look at a person���s surface. E.g. surface, DNA. Depth, his heart and soul and his mind.

Thus, if we refuse to look beyond the surface of a human being, we are objectifying him.
This, Ashok did not say but I think, is what the imperialists, colonizers, and even slave traders did to fellow human beings.
And is it not wonderful, that today I learnt what it is to be a thinking feeling human being, and why I needed to take up literature. That is because, only the humanities, can actually teach you how to be a better human being. Cos business civilization is an oxymoron.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

an excerpt from my recent assignment

I would like to state my problem with caste, whether in a lived reality or in its historiography. I have lived most of my life in urban settings, where not that caste doesn���t exist but rather exists in hierarchies of economy or class. Throughout India, individuals are also ranked according to their wealth and power. For example, there are "big men" (bare admi , in Hindi) and "little men" (chhote admi ) everywhere. "Big men" sit confidently on chairs, while "little men" come before them to make requests, either standing or crouching down on their haunches, certainly not presuming to sit beside a man of high status as an equal. Even men of nearly equal status who might share a string cot to sit on take their places carefully--the higher-ranking man at the head of the cot, the lower-ranking man at the foot.
I, personally, don���t understand the necessity for religion. And ���being��� a Hindu probably suits me fine because without really taking part in everyday rituals I am still a ���Hindu���. In a way the history of Hinduism is the history of India too. Or at least what we learnt in I.C.S.E in the third standard says that, About 3,600 years ago, a group of cattle herders from Central Asia settled into India. This group of people, called the Aryans, brought with them their beliefs, customs, Sanskrit.
The Aryans disregarded the local cultures. They began conquering and taking control over regions in north India and at the same time pushed the local people southwards or towards the jungles and mountains in north India. The Aryans who conquered and took control over parts of north India subdued the locals and made them their servants. In this process the Vaishyas who were the farmers and the craftsmen became the landlords and the businessmen of the society and the locals became the peasants and the craftsmen of the society. The skin color was an important factor in the caste system. The meaning of the word "Varna" is not class or status but skin color. Most castes are traditionally associated with an occupation, such as high-ranking Brahmans; middle-ranking farmer and artisan groups, such as potters, barbers, and carpenters; and very low-ranking "Untouchable" leatherworkers, butchers, launderers, and latrine cleaners. There is some correlation between ritual rank on the caste hierarchy and economic prosperity. Members of higher-ranking castes tend, on the whole, to be more prosperous than members of lower-ranking castes. Many lower-caste people live in conditions of great poverty and social disadvantage.
Later conceptualized was a fifth category, "Untouchable" menials, relegated to carrying out very menial and polluting work related to bodily decay and dirt. Since 1935 "Untouchables" have been known as Scheduled Castes, referring to their listing on government rosters, or schedules. They are also often called by Gandhi's term Harijans, or "Children of God." Although the term Untouchable appears in literature produced by the low-ranking castes, in the 1990s, many politically conscious members of these groups prefer to refer to themselves as Dalit, a Hindi word meaning oppressed or downtrodden.

I wasn���t sure of my caste till I was 15 or so. I did not know because it did not matter to me either way. Anyway, I am a Bengali baidya. My ancestors were banished from the ranks of Brahmanism because of some disputes which arose because of the practice of medicine by a small group of Brahmins and their mingling with the kaisthas. This mingling gave rise to very interesting double surnames, and this led me to enquire into my caste history. My mom���s family is a Brahmin one. But my grandfather is a communist and loathes talking about caste. To me as to my many friends caste didn���t matter. I did not know that Brahmins were supposed to be vegetarians as Bengalis eat everything. I did not know that only Brahmins had the ���sacred thread��� as most of my cousins have that thread and we are not Brahmins. Only some castes are allowed to offer rice and rice products to god and not others. I did not know that. Similarly lower castes can not offer rice to their Brahmin guests. Did anyone know that, I wonder! Living in urban (middle class/high class-high caste) India caste did not seem to bother me or anyone around me, till recently I realised that I probably don���t know any dalits with whom I mingle socially. May be in urban areas caste has another dimension, Class.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Indian Goddess

Kajol........If ever I had a muse she was it.the most versatile actress to hit the indian film screen,and i believe all screen world-wide.
I love her, and she is dark too. Dark, And kinda heavy, but that didnot stop her from capturing india, Of course fat is still knda beautiful in india.

I kinda liked this post

"Do dark women find it difficult to find suitable grooms? Would you have to pay a hefty dowry to get your dark daughter married? Zee TV believes so. Their new soap Saat Phere - Saloni Ka Safar is a story of a dark girl named Saloni who gets rejected by every potential groom in the arranged marriage set-up. Just because she is dark. No hold on for a second, she can get married, provided she pays a dowry of a whooping 25 lakh Rupees.

In a country with a pre dominantly dark skinned population, white skin is a craze. No wonder skin-lightening products like Hindustan Lever Limited's Fair & Lovely can pull of attrocious commercials of a dark girl not getting a job or a groom, until she discovers (hold your breath) Fair & Lovely! Her skin becomes lighter, she looks more beautiful and lands up with her dream-guy or dream-job!

We are living in a time where the media creates values and does not reflect them. We know that the dark equals not pretty equation has long since changed. Saat Phere needs to be done away with. Soon."

Since i am dark by indian standards, i shall come up with a personal point of view soon.
P.S i actually tried wathcing this soap, but was set in this feudal, space i couldnot relate to.

Article 377 of the indian penal code

Unnatural offences

Whoever voluntarily has carnal intercourse against the order of nature with any man, woman or animal, shall be punished with 152[imprisonment for life], or with imprisonment of either description for a term which may extend to ten years, and shall also be liable to fine.

Explanation- Penetration is sufficient to constitute the carnal intercourse necessary to the offence described in this section.

for the complete code go to

Why do I call myself ���uglygirl���?

In my university library, (which is perhaps the biggest library in the country in its category), while searching for Shaw���s plays and Shakespeare���s plays, I found this brand new book, clearly American, called ���big mouth and ugly girl���. It was a story based on the contemporary American school system post columbine. This guy who is a class joker says something, very casually and obviously joking about blowing up the school, and somebody reports him to the police, and FBI come to school to take him for questioning. Then this girl, Ursula, who is the captain of the girls��� basketball team, and is 6ft tall and is called the big girl(we don���t know if she is heavy, she doesn���t care bout weight), testifies on his behalf, cos she was there in the cafeteria when this guy had been shooting his mouth. These two get close and then start going around. It is very realistic, how their relationship starts.

Ursula isn���t really ugly, but she doesn���t fit in the beautiful either. She calls herself uglygirl, so that then all pressures are taken of her, and she can be aggressive (on court) and bold and honest (off court). I started my blog after I read that book, and I had identified with her, so I could not but call myself uglygirl.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Sex in India

I was in the 6th standard and had recently moved to Hyderabad. I had become a popular new girl, for many reasons, one being that I was from Bombay, second, I spoke to boys mostly and third I was the tallest in the class(boys girls whatever) and looked like a woman (a voluptuous woman at that). There were other reasons too perhaps. Once, I told the girl I sat next to that ���I won���t marry, I will only Romance���. By Romance I meant being with men and kissing and sex (I knew then that happened in the nude but exact mechanics I knew only a year later at the age of 12). So anyway, this friend told this to the guy sitting behind us and at the bell; he announced this to the whole class. There was a whole lot of scandalized murmur. ���You���ll toh keep doing romance��� started being said to me quite often. I did not mind this but was surprised at this reaction.
But Hyderabad was a more conservative society whereas in Bombay, I had this group of friends with whom I discussed sex, on a one-to-one basis. From then on I was called the ���frank, open, daring, boy crazy��� even ���cheap���. Most of my friends wanted me to change because I used to be thought of like this by the boys and sometimes even by the teachers.
I still remained popular and had loyal friends and later loyal boy friends, and cos of this I always felt I could take on the world.

Some statistics:

According to the survey, Indians have sex at an average of 78 times a year which is more than the Chinese but less than the Americans and the Britons. However, most Indians (77%) have only one sexual partner reducing the risk of infection. Authorities at the TTK group, the manufacturers of Durex condoms suggest that though more Indians are now aware of AIDS, its risks and its prevention, only about 15% people bother using condoms during casual sex.
Quality sex education is still lacking in most schools since almost 40% Indian respondents said that they did not learn about sex in the classroom. Medical professionals, friends and visual media remain the foremost sources of information. Parents are not seen as potential sources of sex information by Indians. There are regional differences in the attitude to sex and thus the risk of infection, according to the survey. Indians living in the Eastern part are more conservative and have their first sexual encounter at a later age than South Indians. (I don���t know if this is ���correct��� or just bigotry) The prevailing attitude to premarital and extra-marital sex in India is (you mean was?) also a saving grace in terms of the risk of infection. Indians traditionally have single sexual partners and thus were believed to be at a lower risk of HIV infection. With changing values and changing lifestyles, the risk has increased. (Kind of a dubious article and discriminatory too, huh? Found on Google)

That homosexuality is still a criminal offence under section 377 of the Indian penal code is a sad reality. Even very educated Indians, say professors say things like, ���"In Western countries, AIDS primarily spreads among homosexuals. Of course, in our country, we don't have any homosexuals." And that there is no such thing as homosexuality and that it was an American invention.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

C'est Moi

pictorial representation of myself.
except skin colour is somewhere between sand and coffee beans.

Alienation part-2

Indian writers in English have been dealing with the subject of alienation all the time. I guess it is if you get so far from your roots that most people see you as an alien, or conversely, feel uncomfortable around you. I don���t understand alienation cos I live with people like me. Or almost like me. My mom and sis are kind of bound by ���Indian culture��� (whatever that means). They are straight in thought action and sexuality (straight? What straight?). And sometimes I feel so far from them and just can���t understand them. But I guess ���alienation��� is too mild a word for this feeling. Right?
In post-colonial studies class yesterday, this word came up. And the lecturer started making her typical assumptions and explained alienation as what she feels when she sees her neighbour having religious functions 300 days of the year, whereas she herself does not have any religious symbols in her house.
The other thing was that in the 1982 census, it was estimated that about 4% of the Indian population is English-speaking bilinguals, the rest 96% don���t speak English and are not educated in the same way the other 4% are.
Charmian is one of the brightest girls in the class. She is a catholic from Goa. And she argued with Roshni, Runa and I that, we all are (4 of us, and most in the class) aliens to the rest of the country (that 96% which now could be 90%).
My parents went to a Bengali medium schools and English was their 2nd or 3rd language. They both completely understand the language and are conversant with it. (My dad doesn���t understand the American accent though; my mother can cos she would watch Santa Barbara). I would have studied in Bengali medium too if I were in Calcutta.
Without sounding too horrible, what Charmian forgot to mention was that the 3 of us (Roshni, Runa and I) were bi-linguals, (tri-linguals if you please). We had a mother-tongue we are comfortable with, and are totally in touch with our native state and its food, or regional literature etc. Charmian speaks only 1 language and has been asked many a times if she is a foreigner (strangely enough if she was Korean). My looks and my colour would not let that happen. This sounds a little bad but she is extremely urban and a religious minority. Runa and I come from smaller towns. I moved to bigger cities, Runa studied in them. Well! Roshni is perhaps in touch with her Bengali literature and relatives and people and claims that she does not feel alienated back home.
There was this guy in class doing his Ph.D and he said that alienation, as a psychological issue was a post 2nd world war occurrence and that he believed that in India, it is not a big problem. When we agreed with him, Charmian said that cos where he comes from, it is easy for him to slip back into his other role. Well that guy comes from Cochin and probably has a bad English accent. And thus is not alienated (acc to C)
But since the rest of us(the 3 of us) speak the language much better, we probably cant slip back into our other roles. This was kind of a bigoted logic.

Check out this blog. It���s my classmate Charmian���s.
The girl in ���the minutes��� with the seemingly inane question is me.
I have some things to say about that class too, but have not the time.
Have modern Indian art at 3. Finished assignment, but shoddy work, who cares though, I hate rasna. (Rasna is the lecturer)

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

company painting

This is a picture of an indian sepoy and his wife. probably from the south of india. i am getting ready for my friday submission assignment on modern india art. tanjavore painting(sp) definitely by company painters(indian painters appointed by the east india company, cos among other things they were cheaper) what say Rasna?

P.s was going to post my pic but just couldnot.aaaaaaaagh am so ugly.

to a little misfit

I started writing this poemlet last night but completed it in class today(during a presentation on 'my fair lady'. good but as after lunch i slept through most of it. My classmate Charmian's feminist reading of the film was wonderful.)

four wooden walls,
two swivelling chairs,
two eager bodies,

one guilty memeory.

one crowded classroom,
two distracted girls,
two beating hearts
one age-old desire

two women now,
in two far-offcities,
spend this one night,
million miles and memories

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Romeo And Mercutio

Last week, for my 'theatre to film' class, i had to review the film 'shakespeare in love'. the following is but a small paragraph from it. Hopefully the lecturer wont think me bad. Oh i dont care, And she is not too bad. cool enough is our lecturer.

Mercutio has an underlying fear of women, a frustration, a violent self-loathing, destructiveness. Romeo tells him to stop: he says "you're talking nonsense; it's just dreams, the children of idle practices." This scene encapsulates the Romeo/Mercutio relationship- what Mercutio is actually doing in this scene is wooing Romeo, only Romeo is unconscious of the fact, leading Mercutio to say that Romeo's 'bosom' is 'frozen' (line 101). Whether or not Mercutio is aware of it, the images he uses are of homosexual sex: he talks of 'open arses' and 'poppering pear's (i.e., because of its shape, the penis and scrotum) and the 'blind bow boy's butt shaft' (2.4.16). He has nothing positive to say about women - he only has to open his mouth about women and something nasty comes out. Romeo's unwitting rejection of Mercutio angers Mercutio and sets him off. When he realises Romeo doesn't understand what he's talking about, he first saves himself by being clever, then turns away, frustrated.

love shuv

among strewn clothes and remnants of last night,
lies tiny bits of my heart.
my knees hurt from the hardness of the floor,
my chest from the missing part.

(i have such little poemlets saved on my phone and send them to ex-boyfriends and girlfriends whenever i feel like....hahahahah. knees hurt cos one is bending down to search for clothes)


Religion? what religion?- part 2

Call me a fool, but once upon a time I wanted to be a saint. I was going to be good to everyone, not lie, be patient, (not steal, and not commit murder���..). I actually wanted to have a following, and retire to the Himalayas and lead a life of utter relaxation and camaraderie. A few things changed my mind. But I still live by those few guidelines. I try not to lie (ask my friends) but quite love to gossip. I am generally patient but only with the ones I love. I try to be Nice to everybody (except my family, whom I scream a lot to). And most of all I am true to myself, I don���t lie to myself. If I desire something I am not supposed to, I might not tell others but I will agree to the feeling in my heart. And in that way I get closer to god. I actually am close to god with whom I talk to in a first name basis. I think it���s ok to pray to god (or simply ask him/her) to show me a toilet when I need one badly.
When I am in front of a murti (sculpture) I become formal and say things like, ���make everyone happy���. I am scared to make this god angry by asking it trivial things. From my mom, grandmas, I know that gods get angry. Well my god, my best friend never gets angry with me; I am his/her favourite child. I can sit on my pot and talk to god every morning. I don���t need to go to the temple. My best friend once told me upon hearing this, ���I don���t want everybody to queue in front of my loo every morning��� and I was so distressed that give him a cool, personal god and he could turn that too into a religion. I told him, ���but ���.. Don���t you realise that everybody might not have their own temple but all have their own loo���

Monday, October 17, 2005

Religion? what religion?

My dad is in Germany now. There is a direct flight from Hyderabad. Is that not cool. hyd is no longer a small city. Mom is busy cooking food for god today. laxmi puja today. She does this every year. goddess of wealth and of education, she needs to worship. I was wondering, do i believe in god? it is so interesting that in hinduism one doesn't have to believe in god to follow the religion. disbelievers aren't heretics. good!! i am not atheist, though i dont follow or believe in religion. and i am not a casteist either, nor am regionalist, but am a feminist.......haahaha.

Scenes from Khajuraho,India.

This image stands out the most in my head.

Sunday, October 16, 2005


I've still got some memories of you
Under my fingernails,
Day by day I dig them out.
I paint over them in black so I can't see
The bits of flesh and blood
You left behind.
But I still taste you
When I'm nervous.
And I'm so nervous.

(something i had found on this FtM site)

In my orange room

The white fence,
Outside my orange room
Is cold to touch.
It is made of my million frustrations,
My thousand sighs,
My secret fantasies,
And my solitary orgasms.

All You who Sleep Tonight

All you who sleep tonight
Far from the ones you love,
No hand to left or right
And emptiness above -
Know that you aren't alone
The whole world shares your tears,
Some for two nights or one,
And some for all their years.

Matrimony !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yikes -part 2

I have soooooooooooo much work to do but I am just sitting in my orange room staring at the comp and looking at my friends��� blogs. So I will start from where I left of last night. My parents won���t really put any great pressure on me. Even if they do, I am those kinds who prefer making themselves happy than making their parents. Individualists, I think I am called. My dad would like me to do my Ph.D but I can���t do that right away. I am too tired by my M.A. As soon as this is over (M.A that is) I will start working and move out of home and live alone. I have told my parents this. My mom now says stuff like ���we will start looking now and by the time you want to get married we will have someone at hand.��� Of course she doesn���t know that I am terrified of MARRIAGE. I was watching ���sex and the city��� and Carrie was hyperventilating in the monstrous wedding dress and getting rashes and I was sympathizing with her and my sister was like ���what is wrong with these people, why are they always over-reacting���. May be if I loved a guy and he wanted to marry me, I would be able to think of matrimony at least. But there is no one in my life right now and I can���t visualize me with a stranger. Arranged marriages seem so SCARRRRRRY.
I fell that I would not want to marry anyone who has asked their mom to look for a girl.
And then the other thing is that I am in that phase right now where I can���t really think of a guy too enthusiastically. I need a girl right now. And I have actually been going through matrimonials going through pics of girls. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahaahhahaha.

My dream is to have an apartment and share it with my girlfriend and going out grocery shopping and pubbing and then throwing dinner parties every month so our friend s and we could get together and drink and smoke and��色��. You get the picture.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Cruel Intentions/Fancy/Whim/Latent Homosexuality?

What is it with girls? I am constantly complaining (to no one in particular) about how cruel girls are. My friends are sometimes telling me that I am too shy in front of them. Well they don���t say it too nicely though. They say something like, ���tui boshei thak onnora eshe other potie niye jaabe��� if you did not understand that it���s ok with me. And there are these straight or almost straight girls who treat me in a way that I am left really confused. Some are just fine, laughing at my mock advances and sometimes responding in such a way that I know that it is all fun. Not that it doesn���t hurt sometimes cos sometimes I can be half serious and they full joking, but what hurts and confuses me most is when girls who know me so well, give mixed signals. When, let���s say, drunk, they behave (or act) as if they are so into me, that that heterosexual relationship they are in is not really a happy one, but something which meets social conditions. I, even if not really interested in her sexually, begin having these regrets and start cursing society��色�色��.blah blah. And then they just switch off. Just like that. Telling me how wonderful a time they have with their boyfriends, or what a good-looking guy they met on the train...Etc. and I am left feeling like a fool. It is not society really that is stopping them. And if it really is then let���s not even talk about it. To rouse the need in me and then to leave me high and dry is just cruel. But I can���t say anything, because other than just hurt and betrayal, I don���t feel anything. I don���t always feel the need or desire for them. And when I am back to feeling fine and all ready to forgive someone comes up with a statement that means, ���so I am just a friend to you? Nothing more���?

Nothing more. Why should you be? If you are a friend then try loving me and not hurting me. And if you can���t help yourself then ��安ell��� learn to. I hate it when straight girls expect something like love or lust from me but are unable to or simply unwilling to respond. Play all these games with some guy you are eyeing. Leave me out of it!!!!!

Female to Male

Truths and Lies
I have been told
that I am a figment
of my own imagination,
that what I am cannot be,
that my truths are lies
and their lies are truths.
But I know that I am
and that my truths are not lies
and their lies are not truths.
They may keep me
outside the boundaries
of their imaginations,
but I refuse to be invisible.
--Jason Cromwell, FTM activist

matrimony !!!!!!!!!!! yikes

It���s not that I really even want to get married. I am so absolutely terrified of marriages that it is not funny. But well now most girls I know are thinking of marriage. Even girls 5 years or so younger than me are quite thinking of marriage in a few years time. This girl 2 years younger than me is about to get married next/this Feb., this cousin of mine 3 months younger than me will get married next dec. my old college friend is getting engaged next month. A very close friend of mine (classmate) is thinking of her second marriage. And I!

Lot of interruptions will start again tomorrow.

Friday, October 07, 2005

My Vision in Red

Sometime last month, I went out on ���ladies night��� to a local club. We were 3 girls and a guy. I was openly and definitely bisexual; the other two were going out with men, but were attracted to some girls. Actually to one girl in particular. Let���s call my friends A and B and my guy friend C. It was a great evening. I was there from 7 to 12. Anyway���. We girls decided to act lesbians and started touching each other, and dancing very provocatively. I know we shocked some girls, that night. Guys? Well we weren���t looking at any that day. There I saw a vision. A pretty, fair girl was dancing like the spirit was upon her. She was just perfectly plum, Juicy as a plum. She was wearing a red short tight tee, and cream capris. She had a red bag, and she was carrying it so that the strap was perfectly between her breasts, jutting them out further. AAAAAAAAH! Am I being indecent? Anyway. She was dancing on every song. In the end she danced on ���kajrare, kajrare���. And the 4 of us, 3 girls and a guy were mesmerized. I was soooo horny. I was hopping about; I so could not control myself. I would have done something stupid. In the end I got to touch her. She had sat down for a while. She probably was exhausted. I went to her, put my arms around her and whispered in her ears, ���You are the hottest woman around���. She looked at me, surprised and smiled. And said ���thank you���.

For days, afterwards, we friends couldnot get her out of our mind. We would start humming ���kajrare��妄ajrare���, every now and then.

���Girl, wherever you are, I still think of you.���

Such A Blahhhhhh!!!

I had an exam today. I wrote for 2 hours and only in the end did i realise that i am writing an answer alright but not the question asked. But of course, in post-colonial studies all questions have the same answer. hhahahahah. Will perhaps get a C. I will pray for a B+ though. They are easier to convert to A, at the end-sems.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

The Shy Girl

I am so into younger guys that it is not funny. But guys in there teens have such smooth neck, and guys younger than that, with their smooth cheeks. They probably dont know how to handle your advances, and use corny lines while flirting. aaaaaaahh! you hold their hands and they get nervous and probably really excited. isn't it so nice? so encouraging! And you can probably debate them under he table, and intimidate them. I repeat, aaaaaahh!

This afternon i was talking to a friend of mine and realised, that even she realises that i am so less of a risk taker, when it comes to anything close to dealing with the opposite sex, or even the same sex for that matter. I get extremely infatuated and then, stand againest the wall, and watch them pass, and sometimes turn nasty and try to intimidate(that's with the guys). WHY Oh WHY?
I just can not aproach people i am attracted to. Girls, AAAAAAAAAGH! I stay far away and make puppy eyes. the woman in question, will then look dirctly into my eys and say, "Hi", and i freeze. This woman i am crazy about wears saree every other day and i just stare and stare, till she says, indulgently, "hullo". Then i turn away quick, completely embarrassed and in love.
That is why i like younger people, they are much easy to handle, and one feels will not know your intentions till you dont specify.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Girl interrupted

I am going to write a play called ' Plight of the good bi/bye'. but best friend upset with bf, so am chatting with her.