Friday, September 23, 2005


I wonder if all majorities behave the same way with their minorities.
A leave alone policy.
One with such policy should then think of what he is going to do if he sees some atrocity happenning to the minority because he is a minority. then, think that the minority is not only a religious, gender, caste, wealth minority, but one of sexuality. the same rule has to apply here.
a affluent, straight, male classmate, said of gay rights," what do these people want? nobody beats them at least" 1) some do get beaten.
2) so justice and equality means 'at least not being physically assaulted'

That classmate of mine probably has the policy of leaving 'them' alone.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

consider this

I have this course called post-colonial literature. The woman who teaches us is soooooooo��� I don���t know what to say, so judging. She talks to the class as if we were in the 5th grade. And makes these statements like, ���our emotional and intellectual selves are separate and often they are in conflict with each other��� as if we did not know that. But what I did not like is that she seemed to assume that we, like her instinctively listen to our emotional self first. And that it was ok. But as a thinking person, and a person with a Ph.D from Cambridge, she ought to realize that, since our emotional selves rely on things like personal dislikes, familial baggage, caste feeling, etc, one should be encouraged to react primarily (as much primarily as possible) through their intellectual person.
Perhaps, our college is now harvesting the future thinkers of the country, and we still have cases in which, a straight guy, makes certain comments about his reticent, which are distinctly homophobic. He makes these remarks in front of some people, who he thought would more identify with him, or that it was funny to say funny things about people (the listeners did not find it too funny). The incident that brought this guy (A) and his ���weird��� and ���funny���(B) roommate in some notice was the fact that this guy A apart from making homophobic remarks (perhaps) about B actually while making out with his girlfriend (in front of B), pounced on B. this physical act is perhaps the prevalent type of homophobia.
A perhaps trying to ���test��� B. blah blah���
There was lot more but all is ok now.
Except that there was this argument that started amongst us yesterday. Very few knew about this, as B just wanted to change rooms and nothing more. But those of us, who did, sat at the mess and debated over something that happened in college, to something very personal.
Which gets me to what homophobia perhaps is. Well I am not a thinker. I can only feel. So in order to do that I have to keep an unbiased, intellect-based heart (hahhha), but homophobia is also this.

1. ���I have nothing against a gay guy, he can have his own life and I can have my own, as long as he is not gay with me���.

2. ���I don���t like them but as long as they mind their own business, I don���t have a problem with them���

3. ���How desperate can they get to **** a guy just because they cant have a girl���?

4. ���I think they are just trying to be hep���.

���I have nothing against a gay guy, he can have his own life and I can have my own, as long as he is not gay with me���, is not good enough, because here you are not addressing the issue of what you would do if the ���gay��� did come into your life. How would you behave then? This is the question.

All straight men and women must consider this question.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

my new email id:

Saturday, September 17, 2005

It's like i just hate my family. aaaaagh!! ok i wont talk about it. Was talking to my friend. 11 to 1, and my dad had to wake up and make me hang up. aaaaaaaaagh! hate my family. just love my dog. mmmmmmuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Today is my ex-girfriend's birthday. Spoke to her last night for about 1 and a half hours. It felt so good. we both are quite transgendered. Quite indeed. suffering from a major case of Penis-Envy. eh eh eh! Went out for dinner today with my "loner friend", got a little tipsy and spoke a lot about sexuality. He is stone straight and one knows that straights dont talk about sexuality but about sex. Though he probably has never thought about it, he was very sweet about me coming out. He probably is a little homophobic, like most straight men. I asked him if he would have sex with me, and he without blinking said yes! That didnot surprise me but ..... umm i dont know i felt that... umm.
Ok so i dont know what i had expected, definitely an yes, but then wondered if he was attracted to me why he hadn't told me ever. Big reason is coz we are buddies and i assume my asexual malish personna around him. He was sweet enough to say that many men would have looked at me but have never approached cos i am too brilliant for them. Yup! he used the word"brilliant". makes me feel nice.
just yesterday a friend of mine answered my now usual moan of "oh! why dont i have someone" with a" you dont need anyone". i guess sometimes the man in me is enough for the woman in me. hahahahahahaah. Now only if i had both sets of you know what and if **** reached******, i would have been set for life.


had forgotten my pass word. aaaaaaaaagh! am glad. how how how is it that i can remember how i felt on a certain day at 5 years of age, and forget my password? short-term and long -term memory, will research a little bout these.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

....Even my loner friend has found a girlfriend!!!!!

Am so jealous of everyone around me!!!!! EVERYONE HAS A PARTNER. And destined to lug it alll by myself. even my loner friend has found a girlfriend and i sit all alone in front of this pc conversing with noone really. Of course it will seem like to many that i dont really want someone right now. They are wrong i dooooooooooo.Iwas so hurt in the recent past that i dont want to take any chance.......but aaaaaaaaagh! i quite hate being lonely.

Monday, September 05, 2005

this afternoon class i share with a friend of mine(girl)

I sit behind you
and watch
that part of your neck,
you like me to bite.
that part of you,
that i perhaps can claim,
but which doesn't belong to me,
so i suffer,
and you suffer.
for we are the same.
a cause for celebration,
a cause for seperation.
so we sit this way,
far apart.
though you are now thinking of my teeth
as i am of your neck.


Had quite a nice evening. went out with friend for icecreams and smokes. came home to a monumental assignment of 2000 words. just called up the instructor to ask for actually just called her coz i really like her. she likes women too.

her's some of what i am writing:

.......says in the beginning of the essay that the purpose of the essay is to problematize the idea of ���Indians��� ���representing themselves in history���. This bit is further made clearer when he says that ���history��� is the story of Europe and how can Indians really write themselves in a story that is not only not their own but is diametrically opposed to the whatever India is. He says that Indian history will become a variation on a master narrative that could be called ���the history of Europe���.
This brings me to the other little bit of problem. History is itself a European concept. In a layman���s logic I could say, if history is European, how can one write history (of any kind) in order to detach oneself from the main story of domination and subordination that is the story of Europe and India?
Even this need to write history let alone rewrite it, a sign that we are so entrenched in the European way of thinking.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Time Upon A Once

Sing a song of suicide,
A pocket full of lies.
Four and twenty reasons
To forever close your eyes.
When your wrists were opened,
The world began to fade.
Wasn't that a dainty death;
Blood on a razor blade?
The clock ticked on decisively,
Counting out your minutes.
The stereo fell silent;
The song, like you, was finished.
Blood spilled on the bathroom floor,
Staining red your clothes.
Too late, when you had regrets,
But that's the way it goes.
It is never too late to be what you might have been

Not really an excuse.

I am not really sucidal. but slitting ones wrist is a common fantasy i guess. i love life though life refuses to reciprocate. still i keep loving. that's me. i find it hard to unlove one i have loved a while. someone wanted to know where am i from. well if i state that i really wont be anonymous will i? The poem was sent to me by an ex-girlfriend of mine.
well am not that ugly.