Saturday, February 04, 2006

beauty??

NO FLAW IN BEAUTY IS A FLAW IN BEAUTY ITSELF, I read someone say. (Ummm…..I know it sounds weird)
And I hate to admit this but I have been thinking of beauty a lot lately. Well ever since I cut my hair that is. And my recent trip to Calcutta, accentuated for me the fact that I am stared at. Firstly I am tall. 5’ 6” is no big deal really but in a country where the average woman measures 5’ 3”, I seem huge. I board a bus and all these women are looking at me. For years I told myself that it’s just me and people are not really looking but I am just being paranoid. But I used to feel stares hit the back of my neck, and …um… other parts of my body. Nowadays especially now that I am fatter I look up and look at these people who are looking. Did you notice what I just said? What has being fat got anything to do with what I am saying? Well …along with the fact that I don’t feel like a woman (well I don’t know what that feeling is so I don’t know whether I feel it or not) and instinctively (even if wrongly) feel that I look a freak in women’s clothes. So when people look I feel that they are able to see me the imposter trying to dress up as a woman. And I feel so gauche around women as a woman. So with all the fat (sometimes unevenly distributed over my 5’6”frame) I realise I am less attractive and thus in a way exempt from the line of lust of men, and you have no idea how wonderful that feels. Its not that I don’t like men, cos I do (I think), but this dread has nothing to do with sexuality but gender. So even now women and sometimes men stare, and even laugh at me (especially on trains) is it because they realise that I am trying to be a man and laugh at my body, wholly incongruous (especially the 5-10 pounds worth of breasts) with my attitude , body language and even movements. Or is it all a fragment of my imagination?

4 comments:

Sol said...

uglygirl ~ aren't you being a little hard on yerself??

if all these people can see is yer flaws, they are not worth your time or worry..honestly.

come on..you write interesting stuff, beautiful pieces even, surely there is something you are that is worth more than the downgrading you subject yerself to!!

mizfit said...

@UG~i used that qoute on one of my blogs 'flawed'.

i completely relate to that freedom of being exempt from mens attention though it gets difficult becauseofmy very feminine looks(UURRGGHH!!) i do however manage to ward of attention by dressing 'unlike a normal girl'. that itself is easy to do since i too feel like a dragqueen in women clothes.

incognito said...

UG- Dont bother about what others think and more so when it comes to looks. You are beautiful, i can tell by the way you write, and if i were you, i would have just not bothered bout others.

dreamyeyes said...

I've told you this so many times, you have the most beautiful pair of eyes, your features are amazing and it is not necessary that people who don't look good at stared at. People who are beautiful are stared at too, so what makes you think you are not beautiful? Remeber Shushma, she was fat but looked so sexy, infact after she lost weight we didn't even want to look at her more than once. If you've forgetten last time at tenD we met her and she didn't even look half as pretty as she did when she was fat.