pity party

I know I have not written in ages.
And the truth is that,
(But of course I never lie ……… hate myself)
I don’t know what to.
And I don’t necessarily want to
Unnecessarily waste blog space,
But I feel that
I wont be worth my sweatshirt (blogger),
If I don’t blog soon.

So as I was saying (or perhaps I was not saying, and now am starting a completely new topic)
What’s the big deal about honesty anyway?

We all have to survive
And do whatever in order to
Lying (or lets say not revealing the truth)
Is just another instinct right?
Right?

I am manipulative you know….
I already do all I can to survive,
With my weak heart
With my love for drama
With my complete lack of belief in my instincts
(Which I think is always right…ooof what a bundle of contradiction I am)

And you know what?
I don’t try to be cute.
I am…(hee hee)
And I love cute, adorable, affectionate people.
I don’t know why people don’t love me…

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh
Nobody loves me.
:(

UGLYGIRL

this is goin to be the most honest of all my posts.
the amswer to the question why i call myself uglygirl.
i realised it today.
ohk i always knew why but today feel secure (insecure?) enough to say it.
i call myself uglygirl cos i think all the people who will see this top-heavy, flat-assed, frizzy-wooshy haired,
girl/not girl will also see her orange socks, her body hair, her fat, her sweaty forehead, her graceless gestures,her over-the-top raunch and will only be able to turn their face away with distaste.and the saddest part is that i will look into the mirror and see only a very pretty me and will not know why their nose is crinckled in disgust.

From the crevices
Of my childhood,
Pops out an orange memory.
Filled with many things warm
Sharp
And sickly sweet.
Some old smell
Burns your nostril
And this once
Sitting on a grown up chair,
I sigh,
And thank god,
That the uncontrollable horror
Called childhood
Has been left behind.

dancing to my own tune.

at the google offsite.

also like this.

She missed the bus all evening
And I stood way above her
On my balcony
And watched her through the leaves,
of my gulmohor tree.
7 buses passed by.
She wasted her chance everytime,
And I wasted my whole evening.

A little further away from my house she stood,
She stood,
I supposed waiting for her bus.
I watched as she stood,
I watched as the steam
From my tea mug
Fogged my glasses.

10y, 19j, 213
Passed by.
She still stood.
I wondered what had kept her waiting.
I wondered what man had kept her waiting.
The walls of my tea mug grew cold,
But I still stood.
She stood still,
Waiting always for the next bus.
And the next
And the next.
And I stood watching her,
As she missed her bus
All that evening.

Every morning as I bathe
As I play with my bath water
As I watch the water
Make raindroplets on my brown earth skin,
I think of another,
Another woman
Another skin,
I think of another and wonder,
If her rosy nipples
Harden with cold water,
Like my chocolate ones.
I wonder if her wet hair smells like how I remember it.
If she smells like how I remember her.
I wonder,
As my frantic fingers,
Mould me,
As that primitive woman
If she still tastes the same.

And if miles and miles away,
This morning or that,
She stood under a similar cascade,
And had a similar outburst of desire,
For my body.
And I wonder as she orgasms,
Did they hear her call out my name?
Or did the violent gush
Silence her.

I wonder as I sit under my shower,
Mute,
90 days since I was last with her,
As I start another morning,
Separated by a million miles.

thinking of you.

all freeze.

it's cold they say.

finger freezing

mind numbing

skin prickingly

cold

they say.

strangely enough

i stay warm

heart warmingly enough.

i stay warm.

and i am grateful to you today.

LuckyLips

Let’s start at the very beginning (a very good place to start)
I met luckyLips in college. I was so clueless then (and so blissful in my ignorance)
Not that I was not aware of my feelings towards the same sex, but silly me! I thought that’s the way the whole world was. He he…I thought it was weird to like only the opposite sex. That’s the way I thought. That’s the way aha aha…
Can you believe it?
And its not that I was a young thing either. I was 18. An adult. And was living in such a straight world that I did not even know what heterosexuality is. (Yes that is not an error)
So this fool goes to college and within a few weeks her friends of few weeks tell her that she is a lesbian. She probably could not hide her excitement in an all girls’ college. And she is like “um… but I like boys toh!”
Friends chorus—“so you must be bisexual”
Fool thinks, “Yippee I have a name”!!
LuckyLips was one of the chorus. But she was not too vocal. She too was thinking for her burning lust for women from time tot time, her desire for gay men from time to time, her desire to be a man from time to time.
So she kept quiet, and observed UglyGirl. And amazed at her bindaas (lets pretend it’s a legit English word eh!?)
LuckyLips watched UG and fell in love.
I swear she did.
She told me so.
“UG isn’t all that ugly”, the mirror says.
So anyways luckyLips fell in love.
She told her friends, the chorus.
The chorus sang. “Go tell her that”.
And she tried you know. She tried telling UG, but UG behaved like the fool that she was.
And did not know how to react to luckyLips, LuckyLips with her ripe swollen lips, LuckyLips with those vulnerable eyes. Brash UG did not want to hurt luckyLips. For once she wanted to be careful with someone else’s emotions.
She asked the chorus for advice.
The same chorus which had called her gay was now proclaiming her straight.
And I could go on like this but I want to get to that Macbeth class.
The classroom was dingy and was the last class of the day. LuckyLips and UG sat next to each other and soon went breathless with chemistry.
Has anyone felt that? I mean before that day and after that day. I have been aroused (around other people) but I have never felt breathless with chemistry. We could not move, we could not ….do anything but sit inches apart and grin and blush.
I gave in after that day to that feeling.
And we started seeing each other. So tame that sounds after the chemistry lessons in the literature class. And then I broke up with her. Because…….well I don’t know. There were many reasons. It’s already been established through this blog that am a coward in love. So it might not come as a huge surprise to the readers of this post that I got scared of the things I was feeling. (Refer to post ‘chemistry is a scary thing’ and the sitting on the block of ice wala post).
And yes there were other reasons.
Anyway soon she started seeing this other guy.
The chorus seeing how I pushed pretty LuckyLips into that guy’s waiting arms, sang “you are so straight…..you never loved her”.

Here I will make a small note in italics about being gay and out. You have to like constantly be in love or wanting or thinking of the same sex, or else they will declare you straight. Not so much gay people as much bi s I guess. If a bisexual woman has a boyfriend and has not been seen flirting with a woman will be declared straight. And that is not a good thing eh! You revealed a fraud. Well this is what my experience in CIEFL was. Every where else…..homosexuality? What homosexuality? ‘Khaye ki mathay day’ (that’s bong.)

Yeah so getting back to the story I was telling.
For years I felt guilty about the way I treated her.
We stayed friends all over these years but I felt uncomfortable, cos I thought something was clearly being wasted---chemistry (again that word!!!) and then I was not sure I want to get into a relationship/or whatever feeling so strongly physically for that person (the sentence is so screwed up! Gaah!)

Hahahha
One day I was watching ‘boys don’t cry’ and was like missing LuckyLips so much….. Though we had like spoken every day of the week almost. And I was feeling these things and I gave it a name by telling her ‘I love you’.
Here I realised one more thing (many friends may already know it of me) I am more cautious about women than I am about women. If LL were a man we would have been best friends by now after having had gone around for a year or so.

Here’s to LuckyLips with her pretty pink lips and cute cute tongue. I love her and she is mine.

I just realised that it’s been a long time since I have opened my word document and written anything. Everything for a while has been impromptu. Made up at the moment for the moment (perhaps even by the moment) that is why some people’s writing impresses me so much. Mizfit’s for example. I don’t say this cos she is my girlfriend abut also that sometimes however corny she writes it comes up with a lot of energy and investment at many levels (ok if not many at least 2). There are many blogs many others like but I like reading personal stuff, or stuff coloured by personal events. For me that’s a good blog you know. My colleague manasa harikar’s blog is just a few days old but her poemlets though from a new blogger (poet) are refreshing.
My recent favourite is www.veganlunchbox.blogspot.com cos though I am not a vegan, I like the way the food looks in here.

So what had I sat down to write?

A reply –response (not a rebuttal) of what misfit had written.
I was going to write about how I feel about women.
Hehe.
Women have always been this alien entity to me. I like them, lust after them, hate them, want to get away from them, smell them, bite them, hit them, kiss them, but I cant just ignore them. Till I was 15 years old and till I studied in a co-ed school, I did not know that I could get attracted to girls; I still had the most tumultuous relationships with them. A year later as I joined a girls college I started fearing them, I did not like a large group of women, I could not get to close to them, I felt they were looking at me, at my body. (you never know some of them perhaps were..lol)
I started having crushes on women and was completely in awe of those women and generally all women. I could not make eye contact with them for quite a while. (Yes yes I still am like that……yes yes call me a coward)

I still am really almost like that but I like women at least and am not too scared of them now. But I am a putty in a lot of their hand. I make Maggie for them, do the little favours, I like to think I can protect them. Hehe. Corny no?

This post is to be cut short as sis is bugging me.