Love is like the reflection you see on the surface of water. It looks exactly like a thing you already know. Something that looks and seems recollectible. But you cannot really touch it. You cannot really remember it in your heart. You cannot really feel it at will, can you? You feel something in your heart and your body. It is lust. You know it. When does that become love? And what are the signs? And how do you not confuse it with friendship or lust?

I have always been a believer in the notion that once you say the word Love out loud. You feel it in your 'Heart.' That it is that easy. But I am not sure anymore. What is love really. The stubbornness of the word is so confusing. It refuses to budge. It's as if it can have no other meaning. Is crush love? Is infatuation love? Or is love referring to something long-term? But then when at the onset one says “I have fallen in love,” how do they know it's long-term?

I still think of these things. Yes I am that juvenile. I feel so much. So passionate I am and so confused. So inward-looking. That I am constantly looking for a marker which will show me what love is. Purple for Love! Yay! Yellow for Crush and so on and so forth. 

28 and still at it.

Over and Out. No. Not Yet. But I am finding it difficult to enjoy the life I have created around me for me. Every bit of it is my doing. And that, now that I think of it, is exhilirating in itself. Especially, this – I accept it's my own doing. However, I am drowning in a vat of unrequited love. I know, I know. Yikes. Sounds artificial and pretentious and brought on by self. Yes Yes. Sounds almost like an excuse to mope. Must Be. But It's back. Omnipresence of Melancholy. I can't see beyond a grey haze of regret, of what-could-have-been and unrequited lust, but of course. Pity Party - But of course. Even as I write this much, I am engulfed by sadness. Sadness, which brings real-life tears to my eyes. The tears in themselves are not not uncommon. But Usually I shed them for fictional life/love/death I see on screen. But of late, all my tears are for me. My 28^th Birthday is around the corner of time. I feel the magic of that age will bring some sort of revelation upon me and when I wake up on Monday I will be a different person again and I will be able to cross a gap of some sort and 'Get Over' to the otherside. Where there is no drama, neither within nor without. Where I just am. At peace. Feeling unmitigated joy. Unadulterated. Where lonliness is welcomed and seen as more 'me' time. Where I start again to depend on myself for love (and sex :) and stop trying to fill voids. Let me enjoy the voids. I also want my energy back. I have been sleeping a lot in the past few weeks. And all of this points to a bad thing. But that I am aware of it is half the battle won. Right? So I wake up tomorrow and start to do one thing differently everyday.

1. wake up an hour earlier everyday.
2. Thus go to sleep an hour earlier everyday.
3. Walk 3 kms during the day or night everyday.
4. Smoke 1 cigarette less everyday as compared to the previous week.
5. Don't give the friday club night a miss for any reason.
6. Write in blog everyday.
7. Get a dog? A cat?
8. Watch 4 movies every week.
9. Read 2 books every week.

Late Night Coffee

Idol in my head

and I

start conversations

every night.

We fight minutely

over details

that matter to noone else,

Ideal Idol in my head

and I.

Idle and argumentative

we reach a draw,

For I go for 'Epic'

and it

'for the Time Being,'
every single time.

Gentle Men

With such care you move

this heart within my breast

leaves every old story it knew.

with such care you move

me to tears at every word you say

I have to leave behind my old skin.

with such care you move.

I gleefully jump into an old fire

burn aside all that was easy.

with such care you move,

that i remove soul hinges and

steal into your room.

With such care you move-

away with me still at your feet

dreaming am flying with you.

With such care you move

ghost of your gentle touch

burns still on my back and neck and...

With such care you move

the imprint of you left a hole

which now I plug with earthly beings.