Thursday, May 20, 2010

Swinging: This way and that.


That space. So unusual. Right out of my dream for a home of my own I suppose -  Couldn’t have come at a wronger time. Job extremely unsure. Mood kind off Volatile. Good friends and pillars of my support system have left or leaving the country. The weather is balmy (shit can’t believe have stooped to this level. Complaining about the weather? Really!) Old Old friends bugging the fuck outta me. Making me wonder how patient and tolerant was I? And what happened to me? And if it’s a bad thing? This change into expecting people around me to be interesting at least if not irritating. House warming party was fun. But I guess I had lesser fun than rest of them. I hate playing the hostess. Always gets me soberer. Drank like big wineglass Mega Pegs of Rum. 3 one after the other and then never went back. Dint play the kissing game either. Din’t feel like. I hate having feelings. Carefree Carefree. Make me carefree again, someone (Soon I know. Very soon. I will be. But the wait, I hate. But Time Heals and all) Now, I realize how much I like T.V and newspapers. Need to get a good broadband connection so can start watching older episodes of Dexter and House and HIMYM and the rest again to feel less alone, bored or plain scared. The space is too huge for me. Love T.V. Am a totally huge believer in escapism. Why not? There are other realities, than what ‘They’ say there is. So now I have no money. No fridge or TV. No maid. Am constantly cleaning the house and though it’s close to a week since my dog moved out, her fur still rotate in circles at myriad corners of my house. My jhaadus fail to gather them up well. Waiting for Sushmit and some pragmatism to help me out here. Just another week I guess and They’ll be here. What else what else? So heartsick last week was. And yes it was PMS. It arrived so early, it had thrown me off and I kept thinking this is the real thing. Real thing meaning sadness. “Just cos it’s in your head, doesn’t mean it’s not true.” Who said that? Am I better now. Every hour, there are these 2 mins where I feel like, “There. See. Nothing is wrong. I am having a perfect moment wherein I am thinking about these other things and having conversations with people about work, or politics. And that thing that is bothering me so much is quite out of mind. See at this point I don’t feel anything for him.” And then like that - it’s gone. But, I am old enough to know that these moments will soon add up and soon I will be over feeling what I am feeling and I will be over all those feeling. But am also old enough to really feel that am tired of moving on and getting over.  So yeah. Right now life is weirdly all over the place. But then I have been looking for this right? Growing up. Becoming an adult (gawd 10 years too late!!!) being lonely, having to make new friends, new colleagues, earn money, budget oneself, being spontaneous, getting into trouble, getting out of it. Feeling a bit overwhelmed is ok at this point I guess. And ‘Feeling’ means being alive. Right? I should be glad (and I am) that am able to feel love (and hate) instead of that that dead-woman –walking thing that had engulfed me the last couple of years. And the hurt that inevitably accompanies love makes me sometimes wish that I was back to my unfeeling, scary self, but not really. When it rains and I can feel the amazement that I am experiencing at the bottom of my heart bubble over and spill, I know that this is just the other side of the same coin of hurt. And my friends call me - old and new and they call me over to 10d, or Mocha (yay!) and I see myself feeling a bit alright again! 10d tonight then girls!?  :)

4 comments:

Mea Culpa said...

Just cos it’s in your head, doesn’t mean it’s not true...Dumbeldore said that. Old man knew what he was talking about.

lonely, contemplative, heartache, jhadus - all of this. Your virtual presence is a tad too limited for my liking.

uglygirl said...

means?

You don't like what i write anymore? OR you are hinting at meeting in person. We should. If that's what you are saying. :) Remember that night in Liquids? how we stood at the bar and chatted up? :)

Let's have another such night. Next Wednesday may be? 10D?

Happy Phantom said...

I love it....cos I know wat u r talkin abt....

Mea Culpa said...

Are you kidding me?? Not like what you write?!! Unlikely!!

Wednesday sounds lovely! :) I'm in!