Heaven

May be I am about to die.

I am getting these flashes of cherry blossom trees. Lakeside in the evening. Cloudy skies. Empty streets. Warm breeze. Roadside tea. And mirchibhajji.

I hoped it was the future and heaven.

But now I know.

it’s only Yercaud.

Every evening I take my now accustomed road back home and I think of you. To fill you and me with thoughts those surround me this evening. My heart chokes and I long to feel the heat engulf me and the hot air of my lonely city to parch my skin and make my eyes water, with heat and easily remembered yarns of my past life. Lonely grey-green trees stand by and suffer the summer. Every evening I make a promise to spin those yarns about my city, my childhood, and my memories. All that is now my melancholia, my nostalgia. The summer in my city has its own personality. A visitor is always surprised by the Deccan summer. The mornings are quick to blossom and sultry. I stand under the shower, eyes still shut with sleep and hot water pours down. The smell of vanilla and cinnamon slowly calms me down as I get ready to live away another day. It’s just 6:30 am. A short and silent cab ride to hell where the weather doesn’t matter and it is eternally cold, and I am cold too, not on the outside, but the inside and I breakfast on the spoils of war at the loner’s corner. It’s 9 and I have spoken not a word. Enough of that.

Every evening I take my now accustomed road back home and I think of you. To fill you and me with thoughts those surrounded me that evening. Evenings here are balmy and breezy. The people who were inside (wherever that may be) come out to feel as the sun sets. They come out to belong, we come out to share horror stories about the weather, the heat, the sweat or the lack of it and people dying of sunstroke. Was it 43’c yesterday? 45’c in Warangal? We win the weather forecast on every channel with the highest predicted temperature and we lose at the humidity.

Ineffective summer showers pitter patters on the over-worked A.C and the summer painted terrace. My poor dog with a perpetual black coat barks in delirium at the rain. And then at its short-livedness. The 15 minute rain and the accompanied 20 minute powercut both over, my room now artificially chilled. The A.C cools my hair and I forget the completely still, hot night that reigns over my poor city. Instead I dream of clouds, snow and other improbable things.

every night
just beyond twilight,
i change shape
and soul
with my other
and inspite of a promising day,
go to dream
holding noone's hand
noone's heart.

This time tomorrow I would have exercised my democratic right to vote my leader.

I watched the blood through your iridescent earlobes

This happened yesterday afternoon.

As you and I sat around wood,

Hoping the next meeting comes soon.

lonely house

There on the window pane

Egg white ink and lilies lay

Asleep in the day

Origami doves

Came alive at your one touch

Flew away in the night

All over my grave

Orange flowers you chose lay

Lesser petals wept.

Dead Sunflower Fields

Its that kind of evening again

Nothing is safe now

Jackfruits and more burst

And more and more ripe

And the smell this evening

is maddening.

 

Such evenings are just not

Safe for you my little girl

Someone as young and fragile

As you my little girl

And such things stir in me

That heightens this evening

 

And your brown brown hands

Red full lips midnight eyes

Beckon me, they do

They do beckon me and

You dance just ahead of my eyes

And your family waits for you

 

Hurry home to your mamma

Little girl, my little girl

Do you see those eyes over the hedge

covet your brown brown skin

hurry hurry home hurry

home my little brown  girl

 

your mumma waits for you

milk gets colder as a glass on the table

she waits at the door and calls

out to you, her pretty girl of just 13

and here you are dancing in front

of these dirty brown eyes

 

you are dancing in front of me

 

Over my fence under my window 

you jump and skip and run

over my enticing summerfields

my sunflower fields seduce you

and you slow down as your mumma

waits at the door for her pretty girl of 13

 

 

 

It happened just 67 steps from home

And you were snatched and don’t cry

It was not your fault and you will go to the gods

And its all the way to hell for me

For what I did to your brown skin

And you were just a pretty girl of 13

 

 

Those 67 steps you didn’t cover

my little pretty girl of 13

now you will never come home

and your mother knew this would

happen someday to someone as

pretty as her daughter of just 13

 

under my fields and my soil you lie,

my little 13 yearold pay thing

and no one knows still but the

village now whispers and no young girl

take the shortcut through the sunflower fields

 

 

your bone melts from the flesh

your yellow summer dress 

I have hidden somewhere where none will reach

And I burn in my own private hell

And you are now far away from all this and me

But still the sunflower fields haunt me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

When The ShockMeister Tags Me!

1. If your lover betrayed you, what would your reaction be?

Stunned silence. Denial. Revenge. Total Heart Break. Lot of blogging.

 

2. If you can have a dream come true, what would it be?

I am a published writer and people are reading my books and discussing them and discovering a me without me telling/talking/discussing me.

 

 

3.  Whose butt would you like to kick?

Bangalee Shomiti Kaakimaas

 

 

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?

Invest, Travel, Buy a house. Make a film. Tell My story.

 

 

5. Will you fall in love with your best friend?

I Will always try not to, but…..

 

 

6. Which is more blessed: loving someone or being loved by someone?

Loving someone!

 

 

7. How long would you wait for someone you loved?

Wait? I would wait all my life. But Also Move on in many ways. But I would always still wait.

 

 

8. If the person you secretly like is attached, what will you do?

Shower love, attention, support. Till they can’t live without you too. Even if that’s just platonic.

 

 

9. If you could root for one social cause, what would it be?

Female Infanticide.

 

 

10. What takes you down the fastest?

Narrow-minded people with quick judgments

 

 

11. Where do you see yourself in 10 years time?

With a house, hopefully a kid and at least 2 dogs.

 

 

12. What’s your fear?

Dying before I get to Live. Dying Young.

 

 

13. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?

Easily accepting of, almost welcoming failure, just to prove a point.

 

 

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married and poor?

Either. What does Single Mean? No flings? Or casual stuff?

What does poor mean? No food? Or drainage?

 

 

15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?

Switch the geyser on and hit snooze on my cellphone alarm.

 

 

16. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously who will you pick?

If I am equally in love (whats equal? Whats love?) I will be with whoever wants to be with me. But I will always ‘wait’ for the other too.

 

 

17. Would you give all in a relationship?

Well…Yes…Only if I am not getting enough..i wll try and work harder at it and be earnest and serious and too Chipku. Otherwise…ummm..I guess am a bit of a commitment-phobe.

 

 

18. Would you forgive and forget someone no matter how horrible a thing he has done?

I can forget the person easily. Out of sight is out of mind (mostly).

Can I forgive and forget the horrible things? Well I try not to judge. So will forgive. But am self-preserving so will never forget.

 

 

19. Do you prefer being single or in a relationship?

Single when in a relationship.

In a relationship when single.

 

 

20. I tag Serindipidous and Medusa

25 random things about me

1.        I am a hoarder. I might still have my 6^th std uniform (I can’t check cos my cupboard’s a deep deep cave) and am saved by my Mom who takes the old clothes to turn them into pochhaa and my sister who takes to salvage them and wear them.

 

2.       I don’t like big beds. I have an aversion for king or queen sized beds. Despite my tall and broad frame, I occupy a small portion of any given bed and the rest of the space then gets used when the aforementioned cave overflows.

 

3.       I hate sunny days. I hate the sun. And wish it rained all the time. I like getting wet, the grey clouds, the mud, the puddles, the everything monsoon.

 

4.      I hate stupidity and love nice (I treasure Nice people.). I try to hang around people who are smart or/and nice. Stupid and mean people will be ignored like mad.

 

5.       I think about everything that can be thought about. I imagine situations in the future and practice what I would say and most of the times, it happens and I say what I had thought of and I feel extremely pleased and think that this might be a superpower of some kinds.

 

6.      My first memory is of the day 27^th February, 1985, one day before my sister was born. I was 2 years 7 months old.

 

7.       I am completely self-centered and usually so inward-looking that I miss many things around me.

 

8.      I am my best judge. I critique me so much that people usually see and know the best of me. Only Mom, Sis and Dog see the other side

 

9.      I like being in a group of women/girls. The energy a group of girls exudes is brilliant and instills in the group a collective belief that they can now take on the world.

 

10.    Though I am wonderfully mature and non-ignorant but still like to hang around younger people. Some thinks it’s a bad habit, but I enjoy the innocence and the un-cynicism of younger people

 

11.     I have a love-hate relationship with my hair. I wish it were straight but No I love my hair….but Aaaagh! I hate it…mmmmI love it!

 

12.    I am moody. I am completely contradictory, and all depends on my mood.

 

13.    I don’t think birthdays are important and try to get away with not wishing friends and family if I can.

 

14.    I am not that good at keeping in touch. With Orkut and FB, I am better. I add my ‘friends’ even if I never scrap or ping.

 

15.    Out of sight is out of mind L

 

16.    I Emote better written or on phone than in person. L

 

17.    I am a compulsive bathroom reader.

 

18.    If by chance there’s nothing to read in the loo, I read the shampoo bottles, oil labels etc.

 

19.    I am an intuitive cook and I can add mushrooms to anything I make

 

20.   I can’t sleep in moving vehicles, except the train. I have motion sickness and I need to keep staring out of the window to combat inertia.

 

21.    On one train journey I slept for straight 33 hours out of 36, and fellow passengers counted the hours.

 

22.   I am a compulsive shitter and can’t fart. L

 

23.   I am an enormous procrastinator. I have postponed completing my root canal for the 11 years now.

 

24.   I had no moles, tils on my body for the first 16 years of my life and I used to feel unique and kept asking my mom if I was a tilottama Then One day, my first one appeared on the crook of my elbow and I became ordinary.

 

25.   I am good at remembering faces and ok at remembering names, however, I assume always (wrongly) that nobody will remember mine.

 

Anyone Seeing Dexter?