Thursday, January 07, 2010

me and you

I am just a human being. Not overly educated or anything. M.A in the most non-usable specialization. Am not very experienced with the ways of the world or anything. Just 27. lead a very sheltered life and all. Just like you. O.k so I read, and watch T.V and movies (rarely). Just like you, a basic couch potato. I had a job, and friends and some sort of a social life. I smoked a lot, drank a bit, danced. You know how it goes. The regular urban Indian 20 something. Somethings differed, probably, I felt like a freak. Always. I know I know...You felt like a freak always too. Stood out in all society like a sore thumb. No? Let's try once more. People talked about their cell phones and cars and girlfriends/BFs and affairs and food and family and shoes and hair and you want to kill them cos you couldn't breathe? The company you worked for spoke about profits and you didn't care? Of course not. Your boss told you about the hike in your salary and you were most apathetic and you actually said “I don't really care, it's not about the money.” And when he looked at you funny is when you realized that you spoke your heart at the most inopportune moment. And that every moment in the company of anyone other than your dog is such a moment. You live in the society and you have (or you are getting there) what it says you should. A job, a house, a car, some money, a GF/BF, a marriage in the plans, dreams of a baby, a dog. And you are still so apathetic. No? This is not you? Really? Is your answer to most questions, “I don't care?” And It's not even the bravado you exercised at 12 or 17. You really don't care. Have I lost you? - Let's try this way. Do you constantly find yourself alone and misunderstood. Even though you are always in the company of at least 6 people and they seem to love you and nod at your every word. You over-think and analyze everything and people can't seem to keep up with your flow of words or thought? Being apparently smarter than your peers have made you a narcissist? You still with me? The only time you feel good is when someone or something around is amazing you. You then discover, albeit for a moment something that has for a moment stayed your boredom and your constant fear of never feeling anything. You try to hold onto that- A simple act of humanity usually it is, in your heart forever, till you see another such thing and you gather it in your heart like little life-savers and tell yourself every time. This is what matters. This. This. Humanity is why you want to live. You were born so you have to live. Of course you can kill yourself. But if you can't. Not yet. Cos there is still a hope of something wonderful, you can always hold onto it. It will pass you by of course if you are not sensitive. And you are of course, for otherwise the money and the car would have mattered to you the most. No? It is like this for you too right? Or is it just me?

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