i am, i am, i am

We are all human beings and we are living. The purpose of our creation ends there. No? We born we live we die. Whether I live in the gutter and do nothing the rest of my life. The destiny of my humanity is still fulfilled. No? Will my earning a lot of money make me a better human being? More successful perhaps. Right? Especially in the society we live. What if I shun the society I live in. I shun religion. I shun all gods. I shun all traditions. Why? May be cos I understand them and can reason them away in my head. Then what am I to do with this life I have been given? I born I live I die.. does it matter how I live? Does it matter how I die? If nothing within the society makes sense to me. Not 'love,' not 'marriage,' not even 'relationships,' and I see them as tools to achieve happiness. Of the momentary, short-lived kinds. Which is akin to sadness really because, you know the 2 sides of a coin and everything. If everything society stands for is just momentary high-inducing shit (oh yes! I did) why can't I just turn to alcohol instead and get my high form there? Why does my 'High' have to be society approved? Who died and made society the king anyway? I know I know. You will now say, “that is no way to live. In a drunken stupor. In the gutter.” Why? Oh but why? Will raking in millions by the time of retirement make you a better human being? Or being the parents of 3 disillusioned/spoilt/nice/rude/well-behaved kids make you a better human being? And if I want to live and die with the view of humanity. And just that. Can I not do it outside of society. Away from society approved rules of living and judgments? Of course I wish I was simpler, instilled miraculously with some morals, judgments, biases. And that the ability to understand everything and everyone and accept all eluded me. I might have lived a 'happier' more ignorant life. But it is not so. I am not simple. Though very simple things make me happy. A good night's sleep fills me with peace. The rains. My dog's devotion. My ability to still pray and hope. My belief that I am loved by my parents. My friends. They all make me happy. These and many other small, seemingly unimportant (in the more practical side of life) things in my life make me delirious with happiness. No. more than that. They make me feel peaceful. Secure. They make me calm. They re-instill in me the feeling of humanity and answer the question, “why was I born?” or “what am I doing here?"

For some peace

Sometimes when you say you are sad, your friends assume it's because you are fat or broke or single. Yeah yeah, it's all that. And more. And you do things like quitting your cushy cushy job. Losing your cushy cushy weight. And you meet someone new and you are deliriously 'happy' but you are uncomfortable and high. You are forever hoping that may be this time someone will understand you. And then it's not so. And now you are sad and it's still uncomfortable but still a 'high.' Does alcohol, love and sadness feel the same to you? Do they all feel the same as meeting someone new and funny? Are you constantly watching your moods and observing them and you are still unable to control them. And soon 'happiness' feels like a fake, external state that dies down in the morning or when something or someone around you leaves the room. Happiness then wasn't in you, but in the connection you felt with her fallible, unpredictable surroundings.

me and you

I am just a human being. Not overly educated or anything. M.A in the most non-usable specialization. Am not very experienced with the ways of the world or anything. Just 27. lead a very sheltered life and all. Just like you. O.k so I read, and watch T.V and movies (rarely). Just like you, a basic couch potato. I had a job, and friends and some sort of a social life. I smoked a lot, drank a bit, danced. You know how it goes. The regular urban Indian 20 something. Somethings differed, probably, I felt like a freak. Always. I know I know...You felt like a freak always too. Stood out in all society like a sore thumb. No? Let's try once more. People talked about their cell phones and cars and girlfriends/BFs and affairs and food and family and shoes and hair and you want to kill them cos you couldn't breathe? The company you worked for spoke about profits and you didn't care? Of course not. Your boss told you about the hike in your salary and you were most apathetic and you actually said “I don't really care, it's not about the money.” And when he looked at you funny is when you realized that you spoke your heart at the most inopportune moment. And that every moment in the company of anyone other than your dog is such a moment. You live in the society and you have (or you are getting there) what it says you should. A job, a house, a car, some money, a GF/BF, a marriage in the plans, dreams of a baby, a dog. And you are still so apathetic. No? This is not you? Really? Is your answer to most questions, “I don't care?” And It's not even the bravado you exercised at 12 or 17. You really don't care. Have I lost you? - Let's try this way. Do you constantly find yourself alone and misunderstood. Even though you are always in the company of at least 6 people and they seem to love you and nod at your every word. You over-think and analyze everything and people can't seem to keep up with your flow of words or thought? Being apparently smarter than your peers have made you a narcissist? You still with me? The only time you feel good is when someone or something around is amazing you. You then discover, albeit for a moment something that has for a moment stayed your boredom and your constant fear of never feeling anything. You try to hold onto that- A simple act of humanity usually it is, in your heart forever, till you see another such thing and you gather it in your heart like little life-savers and tell yourself every time. This is what matters. This. This. Humanity is why you want to live. You were born so you have to live. Of course you can kill yourself. But if you can't. Not yet. Cos there is still a hope of something wonderful, you can always hold onto it. It will pass you by of course if you are not sensitive. And you are of course, for otherwise the money and the car would have mattered to you the most. No? It is like this for you too right? Or is it just me?

disillusion

I have found you out, you person

tall grass tried to hide the whimper

and brown spotted hide of the living

smoke now rises from my eyeballs,

violin scratches defile me.

you were hiding behind your human head

but I just found you out, you person

and tonight after the red rum haze died

another god failed me.