The noise is getting louder and
my brain is hurting. I resist the urge to shush the moron who speaks loudly
on the phone within the lift. I run down the aforementioned lumpy tiles in
precarious shoes, because it’s too noisy in the lobby where it all echoes. It takes effort to smile and talk to the servers at subway, I can barely hear
them. My ears are almost blocked. I do the ‘hold your nose and swallow’ thing
and nothing. I just nod to what he says and end up with grilled chicken
in my salad. I pay. I get some change back. I try to calculate if it’s the right
change, and I fail. I try again. I just decide to trust the guy.
I have a salad and a sandwich, then
a dispirin. The headache is going away. But I am holding my head still in fear that if I move it too much she might come
back - The migraine. My head is still mildly throbbing. I love this throbbing.
This tells me that the painkiller is working. And that I have been able to
thwart a full-blown attack once again. Success!
And I am not writing 'this' out of
self-pity. Just wanted to talk about something terrible I live with. This short episode was of course one of the good ones. There have been times,
when I have sat crying in an A.C chilled room, with mint-oil in my hair, having
had multiple painkillers, crying and wanting to stab my temples, in my eager
desire for the pain to go away. This is not an exaggeration. Migraine is so
painful and debilitating that I have had suicidal thoughts. And I am not saying
this to garner sympathy, for it is very difficult to explain migraine to people
who have headaches that ‘go away on their own,’ normal people. Migraine has to
be chased away and prevented. There have been people in my lives, who thought I
was using this term as an excuse to get away from chores, or to ask for
attention. I remember a friend grabbing me by my hair and shaking my head and
almost banging my head to the wall behind, because she had been pissed off at
me whining about the pain. She is not in my life anymore. There have been
people, (young and immature, I grant them that) who have switched on lights in my
dark room and screamed in my ears because they thought I was trying to get away
from setting the table at dinnertime. There have been people in my lives who thought I was
lying, because, they thought migraine was hereditary and since my parents didn’t
have them, I couldn’t.
I am misting up a bit.
However, there have also been
friends who have offered to and have applied balm and massaged my forehead and
neck till their wrists have ached, sometimes in the oddest of places, like the
shoe section ‘Lifestyle’ store. Friends have bought and stacked painkillers for
me even late in the night, because I feel so vulnerable and jittery without any
at hand. There have been people who have understood or cared. Or at least
believed me when I said I was in pain.
Lately, I have been abusing my
body. I am not sleeping on time, or enough. I have been staying awake for 30-35
hours at a stretch and feeling very unwilling to sleep even after my eyelids
are heavy and my eyes refuse to stay open. My mind is not at rest, and I thus
don’t let my poor body rest. So, it is no surprise that migraines are a knocking
again.
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