Thursday, March 17, 2011

Excerpt from a letter I once wrote to a boy.

..........Believe me. I understand what you are saying. And I hope you understand, What I say, when I say "You and i are very similar somewhere, except that i am accepting of the way the world is moving. I have come to terms with the fact that, I cant change anything but me." 

I can't change anything. I wish I was zealous and filled with energy and focused. I used to die cos I would not be able to sustain interest long enough to write a petition even, for example. I grappled with myself long enough. I was/am lazy. I tried to fit in like mad and all. Right now, I am making changes to me. I am making a change in the most basic way I can. That is to be fucking honest with myself. 



I believe, that most things we have a problem with is out of our hands. Can I change India's sexuality issues? I can only be myself and do whatever I want to. I come from the middle-class and I grew up imbibed with such morals. Me becoming more Human (doing what I feel like, and not reacting out of/because of my social-conditioning) is in itself a big task. I have to then find a balance between what I aspire to become and what petty thing I feel like doing. I want to be completely unconcerned about money and not be chasing it, but I love to shop. I want to not be affected by desires but I love eating. So, I try instead to change how I look at food. When I was diagnosed with Diabetes, it was like I dint even register it. I didn't. I took me 5 years to be considerate to my body. I am very self-destructive, but now I am learning to take care of myself instead.  I am hovering between being good and just being me. I aim at being a good me. 


Coming to petty things, I go to 10d, for I've been going there for 10 years now. Cos, it was the closest thing to my college in the summers. When it is 45'c, we needed an A.C.  We'd go to Lifestyle to hang and then slowly moved to 10d. I feel at home there. The food is cheap. I don't go there to make a statement or not make one. I don't feel like making a statement anymore. I used to. I grew up. 


I am not rich. Neither is my father. I spend my own savings to live my life. (I know I know, I can be disdainful about money cos I can afford to be, but, which family I was born into is also my honesty and I cant pretend to be poor cos it's more polite. You are white, you can't pretend to not be, just so you can speak againest racism. You can speak againest it. But you will still be white which is nothing to be proud of (or not proud of), but it's your honesty [I hate the word reality]) 


Moreover, the petty thing I feel like doing, makes me a human being. No? I love drinking. Cos, It's one of the things that make me happy. Along with food and sex. Sad. I know. I am trying to find peace of mind instead of looking for happiness or dwelling on sadness. But that I falter, I don't hate. I accept and then move on. ..............

6 comments:

Benny Yanthan said...

Thought provoking, and at the same time appreciative of your honesty. Keep writing.

Benny Yanthan said...

Thought provoking, and at the same time appreciative of your honesty. Keep writing.

Mea Culpa said...

Did it stop the boy? For a minute, just to take it all in and realize its something every person should do?

And I don't agree that there's no change - your verses, they move. You write - the response is astonishing. You do change things around you. Perhaps people too, if only for the realization.

uglygirl said...

The boy had complained that I sapped all his energy. Not everyone has the bandwidth to handle me I suppose..

uglygirl said...

:D

I sound like I am enjoying my pity party!

Surya said...

I enjoyed reading your blog. Thanks.