A letter to a friend who I didn't know was a friend and who was miraculously there when I needed it

6/8/09

Aami jaanina re, why I want to write. However, it’s the only thing I know to do. To do well. To want to do well. I miss not having to write, not needing to. One day I will write my story, one day I will write my stories and publish them. But first I need to start writing. So that I start writing. So that I remember what it is to write. To have to write, to need to…

I don’t have an answer to these questions. “how will ur life decide that it wants to be a writer? what will ur writing be aimed at? what will it achieve?” probably cos I don’t understand them.

And what do I want to write? Preferably Novels (someday someday), poetry, short stories. But I will settle for anything. Yes anything, my employer asks me too. I will write as long as I am allowed to include my view points. Write a story, a feature, from my point of view. I want to to hone my style. Ekhon all I have is imagery. I want to get this fluency. I want to try out different styles. And I won’t be able to all this till I am not writing for a living. What I write is not so important. That I write is. I will be writing for writing’s sake.  What do you think?

I hope you had fun on your birthday. How old are you now? I’ll be turning 27, July 25. Looking forward to the rest of my life, at last. I quit Google today. As in I resigned. Last day June 26^th. I feel no regret yet. Now I have to keep myself motivated to being happy, not comfortable.

I am making other changes too. Getting in touch with people I lost in the 3 years. Severing ties with people who make me unhappy. My upcoming birthday and Roshni’s death anniversary, is making me utterly emotional and I keep going into these bouts of loneliness and anxiety and depression. I have in the past, withdrawn more into myself. This time I want to be involved with good people. Good friends. Tor kaemon obostha? Emotionally kaemon aachheesh tui? Tor okhaankaar bondhura kaemon?

I have been trying to picture your house. I want to visit you and your house and the lake behind it. I have to now start making my resume and start looking for a job.

Wish me all the best.

Love,

Arunlekha.

Excerpt from a letter I once wrote to a boy.

..........Believe me. I understand what you are saying. And I hope you understand, What I say, when I say "You and i are very similar somewhere, except that i am accepting of the way the world is moving. I have come to terms with the fact that, I cant change anything but me." 

I can't change anything. I wish I was zealous and filled with energy and focused. I used to die cos I would not be able to sustain interest long enough to write a petition even, for example. I grappled with myself long enough. I was/am lazy. I tried to fit in like mad and all. Right now, I am making changes to me. I am making a change in the most basic way I can. That is to be fucking honest with myself. 

I believe, that most things we have a problem with is out of our hands. Can I change India's sexuality issues? I can only be myself and do whatever I want to. I come from the middle-class and I grew up imbibed with such morals. Me becoming more Human (doing what I feel like, and not reacting out of/because of my social-conditioning) is in itself a big task. I have to then find a balance between what I aspire to become and what petty thing I feel like doing. I want to be completely unconcerned about money and not be chasing it, but I love to shop. I want to not be affected by desires but I love eating. So, I try instead to change how I look at food. When I was diagnosed with Diabetes, it was like I dint even register it. I didn't. I took me 5 years to be considerate to my body. I am very self-destructive, but now I am learning to take care of myself instead.  I am hovering between being good and just being me. I aim at being a good me. 

Coming to petty things, I go to 10d, for I've been going there for 10 years now. Cos, it was the closest thing to my college in the summers. When it is 45'c, we needed an A.C.  We'd go to Lifestyle to hang and then slowly moved to 10d. I feel at home there. The food is cheap. I don't go there to make a statement or not make one. I don't feel like making a statement anymore. I used to. I grew up. 

I am not rich. Neither is my father. I spend my own savings to live my life. (I know I know, I can be disdainful about money cos I can afford to be, but, which family I was born into is also my honesty and I cant pretend to be poor cos it's more polite. You are white, you can't pretend to not be, just so you can speak againest racism. You can speak againest it. But you will still be white which is nothing to be proud of (or not proud of), but it's your honesty [I hate the word reality]) 


Moreover, the petty thing I feel like doing, makes me a human being. No? I love drinking. Cos, It's one of the things that make me happy. Along with food and sex. Sad. I know. I am trying to find peace of mind instead of looking for happiness or dwelling on sadness. But that I falter, I don't hate. I accept and then move on. ..............

pet that horse

I haven’t been able to write much for quite a while now. Either I was too busy or sad or just too happy to. I started work today, after a hiatus of 3 months or so and now I am sleepy and tired. I will get off in another 10 minutes or so. All you people who have been irritated with me for not updating my blog at all. Hold on to your horses.

:)