Sunday, February 07, 2010

Reporting from Arunlekha's cluttered brain once again.

The state right now is that I had a refreshing (unexpectedly!) day with a friend I have known for the last 10 years. A friend, I hardly considered one, as she never matched me intellectually and was such a bad introspector, that I didn't value her friendship much. I know this above sentence smells of narcissism and other horrible things. I am all those other horrible things. I am beginning to feel that I have lost some human-ness for am growing so secure and confident and honest about my being that I am unable to connect with people, because I see in them what they are not able to see yet (but that's for a later post) But, today after almost 2 years, I could be honest to my friend. And had a good time . A great time in fact. To her, she who has seen all my antics, to whom my craziness is not crazy anymore (it stopped being crazy 9 years ago), I was less an object of curiosity, less a circus freak (ok am stretching my strangeness now) and more as a flawed, albeit, happier Uglygirl. You know what? I wasn't an Uglygirl today. I have dropped many many barriers, and today I realised I have dropped another. I haven't been using my strong, silent, resilient, aggressive Uglygirl barrier for a while now. For about, 7 months, I have been me. Me at 27. I have now come to terms with my differences. I don't want to pretend anymore. I don't want to don social/corporate/diplomatic/practical/pragmatic or any of those soul-numbing masks anymore. The masks pierce through to the inner me and dilutes and defiles a much happier, if wistful me. I know I sound like I've read a lot of self-help books and have discovered the true meaning of life, and in today's world, I sound like a fool. And you know what? Am OK with that. Totally, completely, utterly secure with what I am today. If something hurts me now, I cry with joy, for I felt something. I wonder at my ability to wonder. I am an honest person. Always have been. For I am good. I don't do things that make me guilty. (but if I feel guilty, I rejoice at that too, fuck~! What a feeling this Guilt is). Of course, I seem screwed up. We all are. WE ALL ARE. At least, I am not pretending otherwise. Pretension, low self-esteem, inflated ego, insecurity are fucking hammers, with which we hit at our own tin cans of life. Then instead of getting rid of the hammer, we try to straighten out our out-of-shape cans. Getting rid of the hammer is difficult. Hoping nobody sees the obvious marks of where the hammer hit us, is stupid and easier. If this selfish society sees your marks (and oh! It will), it will laugh at you, talk behind your back, and make you feel bad. (Why? That makes them forget the pain of their hammer hurts). The more you feel bad, the stronger will the hammer get. And the pain and the suffering continues. Of course, a lucky few, don't see the hammer or feel the pain. They are the blessed, for they are ignorant. They all feel the pin-pricks (where others feel the blow) and shrug it off. They carry on with practicality, pragmatism and other such dry (not to mention soul-sucking) words and live 'happy' lives within the selfish society. Of course I use the term 'Selfish' very very loosely. Society as a whole is selfish, we who make up the society are self-less. For we endure the hammer. Why am I blaming the 'society' for our individual insecurities, esteem issues and the like. I am not very good with words and so at this point I apologize. For we were all born Potentially perfect. Beaming, selfish, happy (truly happy, and with potential for extreme joy). Then our flawed parents happened. Then their flawed religion. The flawed schools and their flawed methods of teaching. Sexual awareness happened, followed by flawed moral guidelines. Flawed 'Social' taboos. Flawed media. Flawed ideas of 'love.'

I too hate the word perfect and love the word flawed. So Let's now interchange the 2.

For we were all born Potentially Flawed. Beaming, selfish, happy (truly happy, and with potential for extreme joy). Then our perfect parents happened. Then their perfect religion. The perfect schools and their perfect methods of teaching. Sexual awareness happened, followed by The Right (Perfect=the best=the most right?) moral guidelines.....and the rest.

I don't want to live this way. This perfect way. The only way we are taught to live. I want to live. Not to reach great heights, conquer the world, prove myself, achieve fame, beat you at sudoku and the like. I want to experience each fucking moment with the utmost energy I have. I want to use what I was born with. The brain. I want to use the mind (which bless it's soul baulked at the idea of the practical and the pragmatic)and the inherent Human soul and ask 'Why?' to everything I hear. Just as we did at the age of 2. And not settle for anything but the complete honesty we deserve.

Ask the question 'Why?' to whom? The only one who matters anyway. To your 'me.' We introspect. Till we can flush out our social conditioning, we introspect. And we be good. After all this, there is a good? (one may ask) Yes. (I asked me yesterday, the answer was in the affirmative) We be the the fucking best we can be. This time with complete awareness of the self. We meditate our every fucking motive. Be honest. HONEST.

As I write this now, am I aware of what I am feeling about this as a blog post? Will the 2-3 friends who read this be impressed? I don't fucking know. Ok let's try again. 'Do I like what I just wrote?' Yes. Why do I like it? Cos I was fucking honest. Am I not scared of being judged by smart people? No. Why not? Cos I was fucking honest.

I left the story of the friend of 10 years untold. Our relationship soured (I don't think she was aware that it did. And that was the second reason) for a boy. A moral dilemma I put forth now. Her Ex of 6-8 months, whom I found hot, called me one day and started talking dirty. He was by then seeing another girl and my friend was with another boy. Her X and I started an adulterous (look how posh am being) relationship. It lasted about 1 year. He still had a girlfriend and my friend still had a boyfriend. After about a year of 'it.' I fell in love with him. I asked him to leave his GF. He asked for time. He took 1 month. Came back saying, he can't. I took 1 more month. Stopped talking to him. I never told my friend anything, cos I knew she was still pining for X, and though they were broken up, my 'relationship' with her X would have hurt her. I was being Practical, pragmatic and thus secretive. This screwed up our friendship, for I turned out to be a sensitive person (who knew?) and keeping a secret from a friend made it difficult for me to be a friend. I told her last week. She was not angry or unhappy with me (or may be she was and she lied to me, dishonesty is the villain of this story) and we bettered our bond and I had a great time and I think so did she.

The Moral Dilemma? The only problem (in retrospect)I had was that I was lying to my friend. Did I think of X's girlfriend? No. Why not? I didn't know her and I felt no compulsion to lie to her or tell her the truth. How could I love X when he was a 'cheater'? I love flaws and don't hold it againest anyone. Why did I want him to break up with the girl friend? I don't know. Love is irrational and I hate sharing. If you loved him, why & how could you cut all ties? He hurt me (and my ego) and I love me the most.

Ok story and Q&A over. Now my question to you is. Would you judge me? Or X? Or my friend for still pining for X though she was in a relationship with her BF?

I can't. I can't judge no one. For we are all humans, flawed. And only the society as a whole has come up with words like 'Wrong' 'Right' 'Slut' 'Sin' and the like. Individually, in a lone room, a lot of the society would feel 'Nothing.' (For Fuck's sake, how does this story concern you in the first place? Who made you Umpire?). To a judging group (I know I keep saying 'Society,' but you know right I mean 'Religion,' 'culture' and the like) that answer would not be acceptable. (Why? we love to hear our own voice me thinks) It would smell of a Moral Lack.

Ok... If you were X's girlfriend (or her friend), how would you feel then? You would hate him (and may be me, though you don't really know me) for the emotional pain he caused you (or your friend).

Would you call me a whore (or an equivalent)?

Ask yourself 'why?' and let me know the answer in a comment. (If you read the 1606 words of it, that is)

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

'Cluttered Brain' indeed. Self-confidence bordering insanity.... watch out!

uglygirl said...

aaaiyo!

what's wrong with insanity....

Sane is good? Insanity is bad?

Partha said...
This comment has been removed by the author.