All You who Sleep Tonight

All you who sleep tonight

Far from the ones you love,

No hand to left or right

And emptiness above -

Know that you aren't alone

The whole world shares your tears,

Some for two nights or one,

And some for all their years.

----VIKRAM SETH

Matrimony !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yikes -part 2

I have soooooooooooo much work to do but I am just sitting in my orange room staring at the comp and looking at my friends��� blogs. So I will start from where I left of last night. My parents won���t really put any great pressure on me. Even if they do, I am those kinds who prefer making themselves happy than making their parents. Individualists, I think I am called. My dad would like me to do my Ph.D but I can���t do that right away. I am too tired by my M.A. As soon as this is over (M.A that is) I will start working and move out of home and live alone. I have told my parents this. My mom now says stuff like ���we will start looking now and by the time you want to get married we will have someone at hand.��� Of course she doesn���t know that I am terrified of MARRIAGE. I was watching ���sex and the city��� and Carrie was hyperventilating in the monstrous wedding dress and getting rashes and I was sympathizing with her and my sister was like ���what is wrong with these people, why are they always over-reacting���. May be if I loved a guy and he wanted to marry me, I would be able to think of matrimony at least. But there is no one in my life right now and I can���t visualize me with a stranger. Arranged marriages seem so SCARRRRRRY.
I fell that I would not want to marry anyone who has asked their mom to look for a girl.
And then the other thing is that I am in that phase right now where I can���t really think of a guy too enthusiastically. I need a girl right now. And I have actually been going through matrimonials going through pics of girls. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahaahhahaha.

My dream is to have an apartment and share it with my girlfriend and going out grocery shopping and pubbing and then throwing dinner parties every month so our friend s and we could get together and drink and smoke and��色��. You get the picture.

Cruel Intentions/Fancy/Whim/Latent Homosexuality?

What is it with girls? I am constantly complaining (to no one in particular) about how cruel girls are. My friends are sometimes telling me that I am too shy in front of them. Well they don���t say it too nicely though. They say something like, ���tui boshei thak onnora eshe other potie niye jaabe��� if you did not understand that it���s ok with me. And there are these straight or almost straight girls who treat me in a way that I am left really confused. Some are just fine, laughing at my mock advances and sometimes responding in such a way that I know that it is all fun. Not that it doesn���t hurt sometimes cos sometimes I can be half serious and they full joking, but what hurts and confuses me most is when girls who know me so well, give mixed signals. When, let���s say, drunk, they behave (or act) as if they are so into me, that that heterosexual relationship they are in is not really a happy one, but something which meets social conditions. I, even if not really interested in her sexually, begin having these regrets and start cursing society��色�色��.blah blah. And then they just switch off. Just like that. Telling me how wonderful a time they have with their boyfriends, or what a good-looking guy they met on the train...Etc. and I am left feeling like a fool. It is not society really that is stopping them. And if it really is then let���s not even talk about it. To rouse the need in me and then to leave me high and dry is just cruel. But I can���t say anything, because other than just hurt and betrayal, I don���t feel anything. I don���t always feel the need or desire for them. And when I am back to feeling fine and all ready to forgive someone comes up with a statement that means, ���so I am just a friend to you? Nothing more���?
NO NO NO NO.

Nothing more. Why should you be? If you are a friend then try loving me and not hurting me. And if you can���t help yourself then ��安ell��� learn to. I hate it when straight girls expect something like love or lust from me but are unable to or simply unwilling to respond. Play all these games with some guy you are eyeing. Leave me out of it!!!!!

Female to Male

Truths and Lies

I have been told

that I am a figment

of my own imagination,

that what I am cannot be,

that my truths are lies

and their lies are truths.

But I know that I am

and that my truths are not lies

and their lies are not truths.

They may keep me

outside the boundaries

of their imaginations,

but I refuse to be invisible.

--Jason Cromwell, FTM activist

matrimony !!!!!!!!!!! yikes

It���s not that I really even want to get married. I am so absolutely terrified of marriages that it is not funny. But well now most girls I know are thinking of marriage. Even girls 5 years or so younger than me are quite thinking of marriage in a few years time. This girl 2 years younger than me is about to get married next/this Feb., this cousin of mine 3 months younger than me will get married next dec. my old college friend is getting engaged next month. A very close friend of mine (classmate) is thinking of her second marriage. And I!


Lot of interruptions will start again tomorrow.

My Vision in Red

Sometime last month, I went out on ���ladies night��� to a local club. We were 3 girls and a guy. I was openly and definitely bisexual; the other two were going out with men, but were attracted to some girls. Actually to one girl in particular. Let���s call my friends A and B and my guy friend C. It was a great evening. I was there from 7 to 12. Anyway���. We girls decided to act lesbians and started touching each other, and dancing very provocatively. I know we shocked some girls, that night. Guys? Well we weren���t looking at any that day. There I saw a vision. A pretty, fair girl was dancing like the spirit was upon her. She was just perfectly plum, Juicy as a plum. She was wearing a red short tight tee, and cream capris. She had a red bag, and she was carrying it so that the strap was perfectly between her breasts, jutting them out further. AAAAAAAAH! Am I being indecent? Anyway. She was dancing on every song. In the end she danced on ���kajrare, kajrare���. And the 4 of us, 3 girls and a guy were mesmerized. I was soooo horny. I was hopping about; I so could not control myself. I would have done something stupid. In the end I got to touch her. She had sat down for a while. She probably was exhausted. I went to her, put my arms around her and whispered in her ears, ���You are the hottest woman around���. She looked at me, surprised and smiled. And said ���thank you���.

For days, afterwards, we friends couldnot get her out of our mind. We would start humming ���kajrare��妄ajrare���, every now and then.

���Girl, wherever you are, I still think of you.���

Such A Blahhhhhh!!!

I had an exam today. I wrote for 2 hours and only in the end did i realise that i am writing an answer alright but not the question asked. But of course, in post-colonial studies all questions have the same answer. hhahahahah. Will perhaps get a C. I will pray for a B+ though. They are easier to convert to A, at the end-sems.

The Shy Girl

I am so into younger guys that it is not funny. But guys in there teens have such smooth neck, and guys younger than that, with their smooth cheeks. They probably dont know how to handle your advances, and use corny lines while flirting. aaaaaaahh! you hold their hands and they get nervous and probably really excited. isn't it so nice? so encouraging! And you can probably debate them under he table, and intimidate them. I repeat, aaaaaahh!

This afternon i was talking to a friend of mine and realised, that even she realises that i am so less of a risk taker, when it comes to anything close to dealing with the opposite sex, or even the same sex for that matter. I get extremely infatuated and then, stand againest the wall, and watch them pass, and sometimes turn nasty and try to intimidate(that's with the guys). WHY Oh WHY?
I just can not aproach people i am attracted to. Girls, AAAAAAAAAGH! I stay far away and make puppy eyes. the woman in question, will then look dirctly into my eys and say, "Hi", and i freeze. This woman i am crazy about wears saree every other day and i just stare and stare, till she says, indulgently, "hullo". Then i turn away quick, completely embarrassed and in love.
That is why i like younger people, they are much easy to handle, and one feels will not know your intentions till you dont specify.

Girl interrupted

I am going to write a play called ' Plight of the good bi/bye'. but best friend upset with bf, so am chatting with her.

hmmmmmmmm

I wonder if all majorities behave the same way with their minorities.
A leave alone policy.
One with such policy should then think of what he is going to do if he sees some atrocity happenning to the minority because he is a minority. then, think that the minority is not only a religious, gender, caste, wealth minority, but one of sexuality. the same rule has to apply here.
a affluent, straight, male classmate, said of gay rights," what do these people want? nobody beats them at least" 1) some do get beaten.
2) so justice and equality means 'at least not being physically assaulted'

That classmate of mine probably has the policy of leaving 'them' alone.