Glimpses of heaven
(what ever that is)
I see within
your rituals.

Cold water splashing
your eyes now
bright and wise,
God glistenning within your pupils.

Your mundanity
has not yet
snatched the divine
from you.

I pray,
on my knees
(the alter forgotten)
at your bedroom door.

You make tea
turn on the toaster
and tighten your terricot robe
closer.

July is almost here and soon august will be too. 1 year since you died rosh! And I still talk to you. I am beginning to mention you in conversations and people freeze a little everytime. My birthday Rosh, do you remember the last one? Beginning of the end really! So many signs, we just dint see. That Thursday, I wanted to tell you not to leave, but instead we discussed turtles and CSAT. I dreamt of you 2 days back and cried in my sleep. We were where I usually am in my dreams, my school. Babe! I rejoiced in your love for me. At its fullness, at its unconditionalness. You were my first death and you weren’t here to help me deal with it. Baby, I never said, I am completely in love with you! Am sorry I never said but I know you knew. So much more I want to write to you. We were the ones for reminiscing na? But I want to stop before am too sad. I think you will be happy to see the changes I am making to my life. Ironically, if you were alive, I wouldn’t have left Google or the people. In your death Roshni Poshni, I seek meaning.

That's That!

I quit. A year too late? Totally! But just in time before I died some more of a plastic death. Did I hate all of them? No …mostly I was surprised at being wondered about. And that I was scary or just intimidating. Why did I fail to see that side of me? I think its my complete neuroticism, my complete self-awareness. Should I evaluate? What I lost and what I gained? I lost a mostly. 2 friends, some of my innocence. Some ideas and creativity leaked out of my intestines, slowly. I gained an aura of inapproachability, a reputation, both befuddled me. Will I miss it? Do I miss anything? Not really…the people, the ghosts? Am I leaving roshni behind? Can I even ask that? Don’t I know that answer?

Mri Nabo Saran Mani, I will try not to forget them, I will try to keep in touch, to keep them alive. I made friends of them when I thought I was too dead to make any. That’s important. I have been ridding myself of any extra baggage which has kept me from loving. Envious, stupid friends who leeched on me, eating up my energy and giving me nothing back. I leave you here. Insensitive friends who pretended to love me all the while rejoicing in my pain. I leave you here.

Gossip mongers of Google, read me. I’ll keep you abreast of me. I hate you guys for not having the courage to speak to me about me. I would have given you an year’s supply of scandal…ha ha…

What will I miss of these 3 years? I can't believe that the answer is still the same. Sir, you were like my father to me, more so because I was not born to you. You are Google to me. I will never forget you. I believe you like me too. I hope 2 years later, you will not forget my name and say,"her name started with an A, she was an optimizer.” :)

Do I want to name any people I hated in my blog? Oh! I hated so many of you! Sylvestor ass! You are one ugly dude, inside and outside! People I liked, some of you knew that but for the most of you I was shy. Yes! Me!

Hamsi, I love you! Preetha, I liked you, albeit at the end. Itsax, I never knew you but I always wanted to. Sundeep Paul, you are a sweetheart! Thank you for the innumerable cigarettes you lend me and for you awesome earphones. The others, if I looked or smiled at you, I liked you, if I looked through you, I didn’t. The 2 men I found attractive enough to make an effort to speak to you. I will miss seeing you around. :) The one woman I found just lovely, you will never know :(

Pearls (‘o wisdom)

Drop

From your palms (rough)

From your lips (strangely white)

Your skin smell of melons (bodyshop)

Your hair smooth and curling (dove)

Pearls (aforementioned)

You drop carelessly (as careless s you are with money and..tax)

I pretend not to notice (cos you love more those who loved you less)

I have a wooden box (mahogany)

Filled with your mouth, your brain, your heart and soul (as for your body.....)

Along with your pearls.

My wooden box is heavy and aches with the posthumous love ( you know I am just kidding myself)

Your pearls (of love, caresses and unconditional affection)

Pink and grey (like the salt water ones you loved)

Rest within my melancholic box. 

To You, Love!

I am after all like you are

But just weaker.

You would have put it in perspective

And moved on better, healthier.

 

I just sit and read the

‘rebound’ poem I wrote for you

And wish you had then

Not said no.